I know three families, the ABs, the CDs and the EFs. They are all nice people but their situations give me a lot to think about. The way the conduct themselves is unlike and, consequently, the quality of their relations is also different. Starting from similar premises, the lives they lead should also be similar, but they are not. These families are composed by father, mother and children. They live in nice houses, they enjoy plenty of comforts. Therefore they should be reasonably happy, but they are not to the same degree. Why? Because of the difference in mentalities, because of how they interpret the meaning of education and, hence, because of the way they behave.
In Mr. and Mrs. AB’s household the situation is “excellent.” Both parents agree on how to educate their children. If the mother gives advice, forbids or denies her children anything, the father agrees on her judgment because he trusts her. Mrs. AB feels certain that her husband will always back up any decision she makes, and she does the same with his. They love their children and work “together” to provide them with the best education possible, instilling in them good principles, giving them positive feedback, encouraging them to become responsible human beings. If young AB is denied an extra sweet by Mum and runs to Dad hoping he will reverse her decision, Mr. AB will stick to what Mum said because he knows that her judgment is sound and fair.
In the CD household things are a little different. The situation is “good.” Daddy is too busy (or lazy or incompetent) and is not really willing to take care of his children’s education. But he knows that Mrs. CD is doing a good job, so he leaves her free to make all the decisions. If Mum says “no” and young CD runs to Dad expecting a “yes,” he will not get it. Dad will ask: “What did Mum say?” And when young CD begs Dad for a “special” permission, Mr. CD will always say: “Ask Mum.” It’s not the best way to deal with your children, but at least you entrust someone who (hopefully) knows what she is doing and you allow her to carry out her job.
The EFs, though, find themselves in a “bad” situation. When Mum says no, Dad says yes because he wants to be “the good guy” in front of his children. He believes that, by allowing them to do whatever they want — all the time — they will love him more. Mr. EF does not realize that, by spoiling his son and daughter, he does not prepare them to face the challenges of life. While Mrs. EF is careful to feed them good food, her husband usually allows an extra sweet. The children want to stay up late while they must get up early for school the next day? Mum says “No” but Daddy says “OK.” So the children know whom to ask and learn not only not to obey their mother, but also not to respect her.
My friend, Mrs. EF, complains: “I see my desire to give my children a good education like a house that I am trying to build. I bring the material, I make the actual effort. Sometimes it is quite hard but I keep persisting and believe that I am actually achieving a good result. Then my husband, with a single word, destroys all I have done. By saying yes when I said no, he voluntarily undoes my work in trying to show our children the right path. They are still young and need guidance.
Having been raised in a family where the mother was the strong (and not particularly appreciated) one, he keeps on recreating the same pattern in ours.” In conclusion, if there is no co-operation in a family, there cannot be harmony, either.
The parents appear to be standing on the opposite banks of a river, each calling their children to come to them. One side might seem more appealing than the other, so the youngsters prefer to go there. But, while the barren bank offers a strong ground to set their feet on, the luscious trees may hide quicksand. Extreme leniency creates neither strong characters nor self-sufficient individuals, but rather selfish, arrogant, demanding ones. The “river bank” that looks less attractive, because there are some prohibitions to comply with and some effort to make, yet it is the one that — through a fair amount of discipline — raises powerful, reliable, generous adults.
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Creative Thinking: Three families
