WE HAVE SAID more than once that we can change our “thoughts”. When you realize that what you think is not beneficial to you, that it causes you pain rather than joy, you have the power to transform it into something else. A negative thought is bothering you? Voluntarily put it aside and replace it with a positive one. If you do this on a regular basis, you will feel much better. It is possible, and it has been done. Actually, it is the main idea behind Positive Thinking. But … what about “feelings”? It is easy for a good feeling to become a “bad” one. For example: you like someone, then they do something hurtful to you. You are affected by their behavior, so you stop liking them because their presence in your life causes you pain. Is the reverse possible? After someone hurt you and you later realize that they did not do it intentionally, can you easily go back to liking them?
Some friends and I were recently discussing such topic and wondered if believing that you “should” stop disliking someone really helps you change your feelings. Although we were all convinced that thoughts are the “building blocks” of everyone’s life, and therefore greatly influence the way one sees the world and behaves accordingly, we were still not too sure about “feelings”. Are thoughts and feelings tightly connected, are they slightly connected or are they independent from each other? How much power do we actually have upon the inner stirrings of the heart?
Let us examine a simple situation. There is a person whom you love very much (a friend, a spouse, or whomever in your life this situation may refer to). You have always been available to her (or him), you have been patient with her, you have forgiven her many times, you have found justifications to her not always irreproachable behavior. Then, in the course of the years, little by little you start realizing that – although your friend (or whoever…) cares for you – she is mainly “counting on you”. Her affection means that she just wants you to be there for her. When you talk she doesn’t really listen, she limits herself to suggesting a “quick fix” to your problem. You begin experiencing a lack of emotional support on her part and your feelings start to change. Finally, the day comes when you realize that you don’t love your friend any more.
As you are a fair person, you also tell yourself that this is the way she is, that her actions are almost unconscious and that she does what she does (or doesn’t do what she should) unintentionally. You do not want to put any blame on her as a person, yet you can’t help resenting her behavior. You now acknowledge that she has not acted as a true friend because she almost never provided you with the attention and availability that you have always given her. We say that the Latin proverb “Do ut des” (I give you so that you give me) indicates a selfish attitude. But… does it really? It may certainly be true as far as material “giving” is concerned. If I give you a gift, I should not expect you to reciprocate. But, if I offer you my support in a difficult moment of your life, isn’t it fair for me to expect you to do the same when the need arises, when I find myself in a predicament?
Therefore, my friends and I wondered if it is possible for a human being, simply “by reasoning”, to go back and recreate the feeling of love and trust that existed before and that has been shattered. Is the thought that your friend (or whoever…) is in reality a good person and that this is just the way she is – and can’t help it – enough for you to make you reverse your “negative” feelings? Although you strongly want it, “can” you?
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Creative Thinking: What do ‘you’ think?
