Q. May I present the case of a man who is kind and loving to his family, but he indulges in certain vices, such as taking drugs of the mild type. Such indulgences come from association with old friends whose religious sense is very weak. They indulge in several types of sin. When the wife tries to counsel her husband, he tells her that if he commits a sin, that is something between him and God. As for his friends, he refuses even to consider breaking up with them, as they have been friends for life. He tells her not to judge them, as she has no right to do so. What is the duty of this wife and how is she to fulfill it?
(Name and address withheld)
A. The life of a religious Muslim woman with such a husband is very difficult indeed. He knows that his behavior is unacceptable from the Islamic point of view, and he knows that what his wife says is absolutely true. Yet he wants to indulge himself and cut her short. He does not want the blame she attaches to his behavior. He may try to compensate her for the pain she feels by being kind to her and their children, but he wants his pleasure, ahead of his family’s happiness. He knows the issues at stake, but, to him, satisfying his desires comes first.
It is practically useless to try to get him to give up his drugs, particularly because it is of the mild type. He does not feel any guilt for taking them, and perhaps he is keen on continuing to enjoy them. It is unlike a smoker who realizes that smoking damages his health, and would love to give it up, but the addiction stops him from trying to quit. Here it is a case of the husband having no sense of guilt, enjoying his practice and thinking that he is harming no one. But the fact is that he is harming himself, his wife and children, as well as the Muslim community as a whole. The worst to suffer are his wife and children.
The best thing that this lady can do is to try to enhance her husband’s religious sense. She should try by all means to cultivate his God-fearing sense. That would strengthen his sense of duty to his family and make him more responsible in his attitude to how he brings up his children. That may not be easy if he is uncooperative, but she must try her best. She could take him to do the Umrah and the pilgrimage, which would then provide a motivation to refrain from doing any sinful action deliberately and openly. But this should be coupled with a better knowledge of Islam, because it is knowledge of Islamic duties and prohibitions that may enhance a person’s desire to mold his life in accordance with Islam. Trying to associate with friends who are religious may be of much help.
As a wife, she is duty-bound to try to steer her husband and family away from the path of sin. She may not be silenced by her husband’s assertion that what he does is between himself and God. His actions affect his family and they are of concern to every member of his family. If his children are young, then his wife should try to protect them. She may be able to get him to be more cooperative by pointing out the effect his behavior may have on their children, now and in the future.
If she cannot stop him from associating with his friends, she should try to be appreciated by those friends, so that they realize that they are harming a family when they drag her husband with them. Perhaps by being good in treating them, they would start to observe certain codes in dealing with her husband.
Let the idea of distancing him from those friends be suggested by someone whom he respects and values his opinions. In all her attempts, she must not adopt an attitude of quarrel, but rather an attitude of maintaining the interests of the whole family, her husband included. That could soften his stance. May God guide this lady reader to what is best for her family.
