A musical cassette repeats the same sounds every time it is played and so becomes boring after several repetitions. Some marriages, I fear, degenerate into inexorable monotony as years pass, with no change or excitement in the couple’s life. An Egyptian woman recently described some marriages as resembling hospital food — healthy but not tasty. Married life should be seasoned with certain spices in order to avoid monotony.
Women are the usual victims of a humdrum life since men often find sufficient diversion at work or in the company of friends. Alia, a Jordanian banker’s wife, wrote that after 10 years of marriage their lives had become uninteresting. Daily events occur with clock-like precision. She can predict every morning what will happen that day, up until the time they go to bed at night. Her husband’s life is regulated by his job and her life is regulated by his. He wakes at 6:30 and at 7:45, his driver is in the driveway. Sharply at noon he phones his wife to make sure all is well. At 3:00 he returns with a bag, bulging with papers from the office. After lunch, a short nap and then into his study where he remains until 11:00 when he goes to bed. On some nights he does break the routine if invited out for dinner. Sometimes he sits with his wife and children for half-an-hour or so.
Alia says, "My problem is not financial but psychological. I am a machine. I have lost the ability to think and react. Even my children are becoming like me. I feel like I should run away; however, I hope you can suggest a way to save me."
In my reply, I pointed out to her that we are trained from childhood to suppress our feelings. We view a girl as an adult when she learns to control her feelings and ceases to weep and be angry. We have been trained to suffer without complaining. We are made to view the anger and quarrel between a man and his wife as signs of losing love and the impending break-up of a family. According to psychologists, a normal person needs outlets for anger, hatred, love and other emotions. There is something wrong if a person never becomes angry. People need to release their pent-up emotions or they may become ill. It is emotions which make interpersonal relations healthier and intimate; their absence makes those relations the opposite.
Long ago I read a play about two families living in two adjoining apartments. In the first apartment everything was smooth and quiet, no angry arguments or emotional outbursts. Everybody believed that the couple were an ideal husband and wife. In the neighboring apartment, on the other hand, the couple shouted and quarreled frequently. Everybody believed that they were on the brink of divorce. A few years later, the couple in the quiet apartment got a divorce while life in the other continued uninterrupted though with sound and fury which strengthened the couple’s love for one another. What I stressed to Alia was that she should not allow her married life to be so boring. She should add some condiments to make it interesting.
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AISHA started her letter by saying that she was 26 and lives alone in her own comfortable villa. Her father gives her a generous allowance every month even though she has a good job with a good salary. She has an expensive car and she speaks three languages.
The sad part of her story is that her father divorced Aisha’s mother several years ago. He provided her with a good house, a substantial cash settlement and the custody of their only daughter, Aisha. Then he married another woman and moved to a distant city.
Aisha’s mother teaches in a university in a neighboring country and she has married again. Her new husband is an easy-going man who stays at home until her mother comes home from work. In addition, he is an excellent cook.
Aisha said she had turned down all the young men who wanted to marry her. She has no shortage of suitors for the obvious reasons: She is rich, beautiful and well-mannered. Any young man would be happy to have her as his wife. "But I turn down all the proposals for only one reason. Marriage means the end of my freedom. And once I am married, I cannot accept the attention and admiration I always get from men. I want to remain an object of desire." Then she comes to her real problem.
"I went to visit my mother for two weeks. She has a large circle of friends and they were very hospitable to me and welcomed me with parties and gifts. The time I spent with my mother was delightful. While there, I met a young man with a dark complexion, thin and not as refined as many others. All his faults, however, were covered by his fabulous wealth. At the invitation of his sister, I visited his house — a palace which dazzled and baffled me. I had never seen such elegant furniture or such exquisite interior decoration. On the last day I was there, my mother told me the dark young man wanted to marry me. I asked her opinion and she said she approved the marriage. Where else, she asked, will you find such an enormously rich man? But she warned me that he had a wife with four children and would not divorce her. Naturally, I would not be expected to live with her; the man would provide me with my own house and every comfort.
My mother expected an immediate reply but I said nothing. I told her to give me some time to think it over. I returned home, to my friends, my club, my work, my car and other things that I enjoyed. Should I give up these pleasures for an unknown life with a strange man? He lacks the qualities of the charismatic youth of my dreams. Who else, on the other hand, can offer me fleets of cars, mansions and villas, liveried servants and millions of dollars? I am confused, as I want both to retain my freedom and enjoy his wealth. I cannot make a decision. Please help me."
I replied to the rich and pretty Aisha that I did not know what to tell her. Or, to be precise, I did not want to give her the answer I felt to be right. If she were one of my ordinary readers, I would surely advise her not to let such a chance slip by. In the case of a young girl as rich as Aisha, however, I will say nothing.
