LAKE CHARLES, Louisiana, 9 December 2004 — What a drive. Over the river and through the swamps. But so worth the time, because the Beatles are playing. Or is it the Stones? Or Outcast? Or Maroon 5?
Actually, it’s Cheney’s band. Here in Louisiana, that’s newly-elected Republican Congressman Bobby Jindal, newly-elected Republican Sen. David Vitter, wanna-be Republican congressman Dr. Charles Boustany, and Vice President Dick Cheney, the man.
It’s hard to explain the phenomenon, but I’m a little horrified to tell you that in his way Cheney is well, a rock star. Yes. He has that quality. Had I not seen it with my own eyes, felt the heat with my own body, I’d not believe it. Because television is not particularly kind to Cheney. He appears rather craven, hulking, cold. Icily authoritative, and laughably pompous. A know-it-all who’s often wrong. But on that stage, in person, with the hot lights blazing and the jumpy, patriotic country-rock music blaring and the beat-beat thumping, he comes across well, the words that spring to mind are debonair dashing weirdly sexy blechhhhhh!!!
I can’t believe I just said that. And yet, it’s true. Cheney has sex appeal with women. Men stare at him in envy and awe. And not just women you’d expect, like your mom or grandma. Cheney connects with babes. And makes them blush and flush and cry with joy or something. Oh blechhhh! And yet, it’s true. I drove, I arrived, I saw with my own eyes.
I came to see Boustany, considered something of a long shot until amazing bumbling by the Democratic Party machine thrust the third-generation Lebanese-American into the limelight. He’s smart, driven, and determined. Cheney’s presence in Lake Charles means to assure voters that Boustany has the best chance of unlocking that $14 billion we here in Louisiana need to save our coastline. A little political experience might be nice, but in Washington, friends count for more. Boustany’s new best friend bounded onto the stage and then that rush! That rapture! And the deafening applause.
“I haven’t felt this good since we beat John Kerry!” Cheney growled, and the crowd roared approvingly. Immediately after Cheney’s speech, the press escaped its little pen to cross over to the other stage to get more views of Cheney now on the ground, working the crowd. Being new at this, I didn’t move fast enough and, separated from the pack, found myself in the middle of this thrashing, shouting throng all moving toward Cheney and eerily chanting his name. Cheney, ringed by secret service men, had his hands outstretched, and women were screaming and blushing and sobbing and saying, “I’ve just been touched by Cheney!!” Touched by Cheney!! And then their women friends came over and somberly embraced them. I was kind of stunned for a moment, thought it just might be one or two very slightly hysterical women overreacting, but no, there were so many...and they were asking each other things like, “What did it feel like?” and saying, “He smiled at me!!!” and “Oh, oh, oh!” in ways that really shouldn’t be in a family newspaper.
I’ve been to Bush rallies, and he is certainly not a bad-looking man, but I’ve never seen anything like Cheney’s hot paw-paw act anywhere. Here’s a theory: Look back to another politico heartthrob, Bill Clinton. Clinton won the election because he is like Elvis Presley — the handsome bad boy that no woman’s father would let her romantically consider, and yet he’s the kind of bad boy men envy and admire. Cheney’s even more powerful an archetype. He is everybody’s father, in a nation that has lost, through feminism, its sense of men being strong, in control, taking care of things, being...well...manly. He’s like...well, Sean Connery comes to mind. But not James Bond. The older Sean Connery. A deep, older leading man. A wise father. Many of these women, especially the really young women I saw who were hyperventilating over Cheney, may not have had good fatherly examples. We live in a nation of absent men. Feminism teaches women that men are jerks and not to be relied upon. Women cannot only “have it all,” but must also “do it all.” Women grow up with fathers emasculated by women, if television hasn’t done the discrediting job first. Cheney is the good father behind Bush, the impetuous son. Cheney is the reassuring, supportive, strong male not only to the president, but to the entire nation now. He tells us war is noble and necessary, and that everything will be okay, and we can still have endless tax cuts and deficits and the lights will somehow still stay on, the bills will all get paid and on time.
Cheney tells us we are loved. Who is your daddy? Now we know! He is that big, pasty-faced balding guy wearing the spectacles. Touched by Dick Cheney? Then you know love, and trust and oh blechhhhh!
