When a child is having a tantrum, being disobedient or acting violent it is the parents who have to change, not the child. Thus says a British child psychologist. Dr. Tanya Byron, a consultant clinical psychologist, who argues that parents should adopt a new and more effective approach in dealing with their children’s behavior. The tough-talking expert puts her theory to the test with real families and situations in a BBC program called “Little Angels.” Hidden cameras, CCTV, observational filming and ‘parent cams’ all capture the dilemmas and frustrations of families with children troubles. The parents are guided through tough, trying moments by the psychologist who, using earpieces, microphones and monitors, talks them through new ways of dealing with their children.
“There are many factors that could cause a child to misbehave and these behavioral acts are a manifestation of other issues that impact upon the child such as parental relationships. Children communicate through behavior particularly the young who cannot yet use words,” said Dr. Byron to Arab News by phone from London. “The minute they come into the world, they pick up signs; they are a barometer of emotion,” she said. Parents should establish attachment and a bond with the child early on because as they grow older and become more independent, recognize themselves as individuals and start to socialize, other factors will influence them and their behavior will change. “Parents need to be effective in managing their children’s behavior and be consistent in their messages,” she recommends. For example, when a child misbehaves, they attract their parent’s attention therefore reinforcing the notion in their head that negative behavior will get attention whereas good behavior is ignored. Dr. Byron suggests to the parents to imagine they have a bucketful of praise in every room of the house with a big ladle. Every time their child does something wonderful such as trying to help around the house or playing nicely, the parents imagine getting that ladle and showering him with praise.
Tantrums happen to all children, but the parent can try to prevent them with praise and sticker charts. If that fails, the parent can try to distract the tantrums, but once started, the best way to stop them is to ignore them. A good way of motivating children and avoiding tantrums is with stickers. Dr. Byron suggests having a sticker chart at home as a way to encourage good behavior. Each time the child is good, they are given a sticker. Naughty behavior gets a ‘sad face.’ Added good points get them a prize. “Children are supposed to be naughty, we want them to have a spirit and be adventurous, but they also have to behave well in society and know that ‘no’ means ‘no’” she said.
Throughout the program, Dr. Byron makes practical and direct suggestions to the parents on how to deal with the child in difficult situations. Going out with their children is sometimes the most tiring of things but it need not be a nightmare, according to Dr. Byron. She suggests engaging them in what’s going on and motivating them to behave well. Distracting them and, if necessary, ignoring them are very powerful tools but they need nerves of steel. “The parent needs to feel in control of the situation, not the child,” she said. Each child might have a different personality and character but the fundamentals of behavior management are the same, according to Dr. Byron.
“There has to be consequences and boundaries for behavior but the most important and simple thing is giving them love and affection,” she said. She also believes in leading by example because a child will always copy the parent’s behavior and a message of good behavior should be consistent in words and acts.
These are a few examples of how Dr. Byron helps parents in the Little Angels program that is being aired on Showtime Arabia. The filming period for each family is between 6 to 10 weeks and a huge amount of work is done by the production team and Dr. Byron during that time. “Change happens quickly, we consolidate the change and work at maintaining it.
We follow up with the families and if ever there is a need for intense follow up and professional referral, we do that, but that is rare and it is usually some other related issue such as the mother going through depression,” said Dr. Byron.
She believes that the process of filming actually accelerates the parent’s learning and is helpful in making the change quickly because they can see what they are doing wrong.
“I wouldn’t continue doing the program if I felt there was any manipulation or intrusion to the natural flow of events and behavior,” she said. There is an intense screening process of the participating families who usually want to change and her role is in guiding them on what needs to be done.
Series 1 of the program featuring four families was broadcasted on the Style UK channel of Showtime Arabia from November 16 to November 29 and the new series began broadcasting on November 30 and will continue until January 21 at 5 pm and 9:30 pm, Saudi time, every Tuesday and Wednesday.
