A few years ago, I met a young girl at a dinner party. Bright and attractive, she had just arrived in Jeddah and was busy settling in to the different pace of her newfound existence.
“Do your parents work here?” I asked.
“No,” she replied. “I live here with my husband. He’s Saudi.”
I was intrigued as to how this gregarious American had decided to marry a native and upon further probing was regaled with a not uncommon tale of college romance culminating in the ensuing ‘till death do us part’ grand finale.
“Do you like it here?” I inquired.
“It takes some getting used to,” she had confessed, “but I really love it.”
That was the summer before 9/11 and when I tried to find out where she was later the same year I was told that she had left. Actually, she had not departed of her own accord, but apparently her husband thought that it was better for her to return to the States and divorced her. His excuse was that it was ‘too difficult’ under the prevalent political circumstances to be married to an American.
So much for the eternal love story.
This incident played on my mind for quite some time because of all the concomitant complications that the failure of such a union entails. I wondered how many women suffer the same fate and what options they are left with if things fall apart.
For those women who maintain their foreign status and suddenly find themselves single one fine day, irrespective of whether this had been of their own volition or not, they would be obliged to leave the Kingdom. Devoid of a sponsor they would be stripped of any status at all and I suppose for all official intents and purposes would fail to exist in the eyes of the law.
If it’s near impossible for a Saudi woman to conduct her life and business affairs without the ubiquitous presence of a mahram (legal male guardian) then these women probably have no chance of going it alone. They would have arrived in this desert wonderland all starry-eyed and blissfully dependent upon their spouse for everything and would not have the luxury of consulting their brother or their father if things weren’t as fairy-tale like as they had initially appeared. This means that a woman could have spent the best years of her life here, made this place her home, have nurtured and developed friendships and yet, at the end of the day, cannot enjoy the basic right of security to exist without her husband. If he decides for any sporadic reason to leave her, she would be left with worse than nothing because she wouldn’t even have the choice to remain where she had spent a sizeable amount of her adult life.
Throughout the year I have received e-mails from several people who have been subjected to this kind of pathetic injustice. Many of them have children whom they have had to forcibly abandon because of this legal iniquity. I was particularly disturbed by a heartbreaking petition from a lady who lives in America but has been denied access to her sons for the past seven years. She cannot return to visit them and her husband has since remarried. Rather than relinquish his power over them and her, the boys are now being brought up by maids in a different house to that which their father lives in. There is nothing crueler than taking away children from their mother, but what adds insult to injury is the veritable fact that single parent custody can so freely and indiscriminately be granted to a father who is not even willing to assume this crucial responsibility. How is it that laws that do not protect our children from this sort of emotional abuse are allowed to persist?
A similar case of denied rights and disgraceful inhumanity was brought to my attention by an Asian woman who, bold enough to venture to the courts, was awarded visitation rights to see her son. The only hitch in this otherwise promising scenario is the ten-hour flight she has to take every time she wants to avail herself of this verdict. Undaunted by the ridiculous bureaucracy, she makes the annual trek to visit her young child for a month here every year. Naturally, her ex-husband tries his best to thwart and impede her efforts by making her wait for the child for hours, giving her appointments and never showing up etc, but in her words “even catching a glimpse of him is worth it”.
The huge irony of this whole sorry state of affairs is that women and especially mothers are afforded a very privileged status in Islam. Evidently, this is not being put into practice. There needs to be some recourse for women who find themselves in such an untenable situation and should not be hinged upon the whims and fancies of the very men who have landed them in such a predicament in the first place. The judicial system needs to be taking steps in order to provide advice and legal assistance for such cases. Women who are left stranded should be offered the option to remain within the Kingdom under the sponsorship and protection of the government. And as for those who have children here, there are no better words than those of the Holy Prophet (peace be upon him ) himself. When he was asked by a man, “Oh Messenger of God, who amongst the people is the most worthy of my good companionship?” the Prophet replied, “Your mother.” The man inquired, “Who next?” and the Prophet replied again, “Your mother.” He once more inquired, “Who next?” and the Prophet repeated, “Your mother.”
