TRIVANDRUM, 7 October 2006 — The 1.5-million-odd “Gulf wives” of Kerala, women whose husbands work in the Gulf region, has received a pat from the UN Fund for Population Activities (UNFPA) for their all-round ability to manage their families without their partners’ help.
The UNFPA report titled “A Passage to Hope: Women and International Migration” praises the canny and flexible attitude with which they manage their families, educate their children, build houses and manage the money their better halves toiling in the Gulf send back.
Showcasing a young housewife of Kottakkal in Malappuram district, Rajani, the report tells of here marriage to a man who works in the Gulf, her emotional void caused by a husband who is abroadmost of the year, the struggle to manage home and family, and how she bears all with a radiating smile.
The report explores lives of migrants from ten countries (India, Columbia, Burkina Faso, Liberia, Moldova, Zambia, Philippines, Surinam, the Netherlands and Kenya) searching greener pastures or escaping oppression, war or other sufferings.
A daughter of a pharmacist, Rajani, was initially against the idea of her husband working abroad, knowing well that she would be another so-called “Gulf wife”. Once their horoscope matched perfectly (which is a precondition for Hindu marriages), her family decided that they were made for each other.
Rajani met Unnikrishnan, who works as a cargo inspector at the Jeddah Islamic Port in Saudi Arabia, for the first time at their engagement ceremony when she was 20. “Luckily, we immediately liked each other. The month and a half we spent together before he went back to Jeddah was perhaps the happiest time in my married life,” she says.
Rajani then became one among the wives living without their husbands who have migrated to the Gulf.
With her husband gone, it was an opportunity to take initiative, caring for elderly in-laws, and managing finances.
“I just learnt from experience, and over time I started to enjoy these responsibilities. Now I feel positive, strong and greatly empowered compared to my premarital days when I had absolutely no control over my life”, she said.
Rajani said she led a very sheltered existence. She went to a local school and received a bachelor’s degree in history through the Open University. She never went anywhere alone, and her father made all decisions for her, however big or small.
“I knew there would be long periods of separation and I would have to live with his widowed mother,” she said. “Suddenly, I was no longer a carefree, pampered daughter. My husband told me he would be sending me money every month and that it was up to me to manage everything. I found myself burdened with responsibilities.”
But the real turning point, Rajani says, was two years ago, when she almost single-handedly had to oversee the building of their new house. The plans had been drawn up during Unnikrishnan’s home leave and a loan from the bank had been taken in Rajani’s name.
“The fact that I was able to oversee the construction, handle the workmen, and manage huge amounts of money, has given me the confidence that I can cope with any situation,” said Rajani.
But this does not make up for the huge emotional vacuum in her life. Rajani speaks to her husband almost every day, but she misses him all the time, particularly when her baby daughter or her widowed mother-in-law falls ill, or during festival times when everyone is rejoicing.
Every so often, Rajani and her husband talk about ending this separation: he is also not happy being away from her, she says. But they are aware that their options are limited.
Having completed no more than secondary school, there is little chance of Unnikrishnan finding a job in India that would enable him to earn as much as he presently does. And the other option of starting an own business, something most migrants dream of doing, will have to wait until they pay back the loan they took to build their house.
“The clear benefit of remittances is to mitigate the effect of poverty on families back home and to raise living standards,” Rajani says.
Rajani goes to the local government hospital only for routine procedures like vaccinations and booster shots for her daughter. For everything else they can afford to see more expensive private doctors.
She plans to send her daughter next term to one of the best and perhaps most expensive schools in Kottakkal. The tuition fee has already been set aside.
“I don’t think any amount of money can make up for the terrible loneliness that a Gulf wife has to deal with,” she said. “People who have seen me evolve from being just someone’s daughter to a woman who is managing a home and family all by herself are very impressed. They speak well of me and give me a lot of respect but they don’t know how lonely I am, especially at night with only a mobile phone for company. Others have someone they can talk to. Whom do I talk to?”
Would she like to see her daughter marry a Gulf worker?
“Never,” she replied quickly. “May God bless her so that she does not have to”.
The only respite from her monotonous routine is when her husband comes home, once every two and a half years — for two months. He is not able to make it more often: the ticket is expensive, he has to bring gifts for everyone in the family, and his employer is sticky about giving leave.
And he could not be there when their daughter was born.
So, now, Rajani doesn’t want to have another child. Unnikrishnan is keen that they do, but she has told him she will not unless they live together.
Rajani dreams of living with her husband, but she is afraid it will not happen anytime soon. Her horoscope told her it was her destiny to be separated from him for some time: astrologers said it could be as long as 17 years.
I feel quite desolate when I think of such a possibility but I have never mentioned it to my husband, because I am hoping through my prayers to change my destiny.
Rajani’s experience is not unusual here. Young migrants often marry women from their own communities and leave them behind, so that they can simultaneously start a family, ensure that somebody cares for their aging parents and provide better living conditions for everyone.
