Accepting Islam in its totality is not easy. For some, wearing the hijab or growing a beard is a hurdle. For others, lowering their gaze or abstaining from interest-based transactions constitutes a challenge. For others still, accepting polygyny is like swallowing glass. Yet, as MizAzeez points out in her book “Polygynous Blessings, Musings of a Muslim Wife,” the practice of having more than one wife at a time is part of our religion and ordained by Allah Almighty. Who are we to refute or disregard one of His sanctions?
She writes: “To try to stop the practice of polygyny would be like trying to stop the spread of Islam. Both have been ordained by Allah and prophesied by the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him). We know that there will come a time when the practice of polygyny will not just be about a brother’s desire for it, but will be about his obligation to do it as it will become a necessity. In fact, it will get to a point that women will outnumber men 50 to 1 so that even if every man took the maximum limit of four wives, there will still be women left over without a husband. Whether we like it or not, polygyny is a part of our present and predestined future, whether directly or indirectly. Somebody in our family lineage, whether it be our children, their children, or someone further down the line will be personally affected by polygyny.” (p. 57)
In spite of this endorsement, the process of accepting, accommodating and embracing polygyny in her own life was a challenge for MizAzeez. Part diary and part scholarly research based on agreed-upon legislative proofs, Polygynous Blessings chronicles her emotional, intellectual and spiritual journey over the course of ten months, as she attempts to reconcile her understanding and commitment to Islam with her husband’s decision to marry another woman. While still a newlywed, this Muslim revert learns of her husband’s intentions and begins her diary:
“I am shocked, hurt, angry, confused all in one. Didn’t see this coming. Or should I say, didn’t see it coming so soon. Haven’t even been able to fully enjoy my time with you as your only wife and now have to deal with the possibility of sharing you with another...
“Sometimes I feel that I am not a priority. Loved? Yes. Wanted? Sometimes. Needed? Hmm... I wonder how he plans on dividing his time equally between us...”
Later she writes:
“I was devastated for about a week and then came the clarity. Then came the wisdom. Then came my really looking at the situation for what it could be. Because really the way you deal with your husband taking another wife is about perspective; it’s about how you’re looking at it. If you’re looking at it as taking something away form you (ie. loss of your husband’s love, time, support), as your husband being displeased with you, as you being inadequate, you, you, you, then you’re bound to be in a state of devastation, denial, and rejection for a while. And may Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta’ala remove these feelings from the hearts of any of my sisters for whom this is a current or future reality. However, I began to look at it differently. For starters, polygyny can be yet another means of you obtaining the baraka of Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta’ala. Even just you struggling with your emotions, with your jealousy and striving to overcome the emotional trials that you place upon yourself (for truly that’s what it is, at least in the beginning) and fully accept the situation, insha’Allah you will receive reward from Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta’ala. Really, ultimately, my smooth transition was totally about me trusting in the will of Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta’ala and viewing polygyny as a means for me to obtain baraka. If my husband was going to do this, then I was going to use it as another means to me seeking the pleasure of Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta’ala. I was going to be helpful to him, cooperative, and I was even going to offer support to the sister if she so wished to accept it because in the end, all of our actions should be for the sake of Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta’ala.”
Polygynous Blessings is a riveting 78-page book, in which the author shares her intimate personal and interpersonal experiences, conflicts and resolutions with her husband, co-wife (later referred to as “sister-wife”) and others.
It is also the true account of one American woman who bravely attempts to follow a nearly extinct Sunnah practice. Also, what gives it an ironic twist, although unintended on the part of the author, is that she finds herself in the paradoxical situation of having to revive, implement and defend this Sunnah with few living role models and little support from the Muslim community. Furthermore, while polygyny is met with chagrin by many Muslims, she is forced to keep it a secret from her mother, who is already critical of Islam. As a result, she finds herself very much alone and, particularly when her husband is with her co-wife, very much reliant upon the mercy and guidance of Allah Almighty. To get through the difficult times, and to make sense of her new status as a Muslim wife, she increasingly turns to the Qur’an, its exegesis and the Hadith. In her diary, she approaches her fears and insecurities about polygyny as she would any other aspect of Islam — as an act of worship. She writes:
“As Muslims we are constantly supposed to be striving to perfect our ‘ibaadah of Allah... We should never get to the point with anything in this Deen where we say, ‘I have done enough.
I am perfect in this... Hence every act of ‘ibaadah we do is a process of growth, of striving to excel and do better. This includes our dealing with polygyny, which is a subcategory of being a righteous and pious wife, which is a subcategory of being a righteous and pious slave of Allah.”
Once resolved, MizAzeez did what we all do when we go to the dentist’s office. We settle into the chair, lay back and embrace the pain. And then, inherent in that challenge and the piercing of the shrill drill as it dives into our soft, vulnerable interior is relief. This occurs when women in polygynous relationships submit to Allah’s will and the knowledge that Allah is the best of planners, and that Allah knows best. The pain is good for us... and then it does not hurt so much any more. “So, verily, with every difficulty there is relief. Verily, with every difficulty there is relief.” [The Holy Qur’an, Al-Inshiraah, Verses 5-6]
Susan Smith is a New York City-based freelance journalist.
