JEDDAH, 21 August 2007 — Physically or mentally challenged people get a raw deal in the marriage matchmaking. Considering that by definition the process involves families expecting potential sons- and daughters-in-law to meet certain pre-requisites, the handicapped are considered damaged goods from the get-go, according to a report published recently in the daily Al-Madainah.
“I receive a lot of matching requests,” said Umm Bashir, who has been a volunteer matchmaker for more than a decade. “I’ve never come across a man or woman who would accept a person with a disability.”
This may be a universal concept, but in a system where dating is illegal, men and women who aren’t related cannot freely interact (without the presence of the woman’s male guardian) and marriages are often arranged through matchmakers, the challenges for the handicapped are exacerbated because relatives may immediately dismiss them before they get a chance to win the heart of a man or woman.
In this system, the solution that is often tabled is for handicapped people to marry other handicapped people. Al-Madinah conducted a survey to test people’s views about marrying the handicapped.
The survey of 1,000 respondents between the ages of 18 and 35 found that most people say they would be averse to marrying a handicapped person, especially somebody with a mental disability. The report isn’t clear about how many men and how many women were polled.
The findings of this survey showed that 60 percent of the respondents would refuse to marry somebody with any kind of physical or mental disability. Thirty-nine percent said they would consider marrying a physically but not mentally disabled person. One percent wouldn’t answer the question.
Two of the respondents, Salem Saud Al-Otaibi and Faisal Al-Dosari, said that they would not mind getting married to a disabled woman if her disability was not genetically transferable to children. Another in the survey, Abdullah Abdullatif, said that he might marry a blind or deaf woman if she was beautiful.
Among the respondents were those who hold a broader view of disability. Naif Al-Sahali said that able-bodied people should give the less able hope, assist them to lead a decent life, and get them out of the isolation that was forced on them.
Faisal Al-Hamdan said that disability was something that can be conquered. “They have to be given the right to live normally as others and have equal opportunity,” he said.
Ahmad Asiri said that he might accept getting married to a disabled woman “out of sympathy” but that “she would definitely be a second wife.”
Others who said they would not marry a person with special needs said that these marriages were mainly founded on sympathy. Thus, they concluded, the relationship might not last long.
Raed Abdul Hadi said he would not accept such kinds of marriages. He believed that the “right choice” should be the fundamental element in any marriage and that marriage to a disabled person was out of pity.
Samar Fadhel told Al-Madinah about her experience with her disabled former husband.
“He used to feel inferior to everyone and he kept on torturing me to take responsibility and lead the relationship. It ended up in divorce,” Fadhel said.
Marriage, she said, should be based on harmony between the two and not pity.
One respondent, Khaled Al-Ammar, thought that there should be associations to help the disabled find and marry disabled partners. “Mixed marriages are unfair for both the disabled and the able-bodied partner,” he said.
In Saudi Arabia, the family holds considerable sway in who their children marry to such a degree that for all intents and purposes a son or daughter would be hard pressed to marry somebody who has not been given the thumbs-up by the parents. Daughters are not compelled legally or religiously into marrying against their will, but they are forbidden by law from marrying at any age without the permission of their legal male guardian (mahram).
