Parallel relationships

Last Sunday I was invited along with other Saudis, representing various professions in business, education, law and the media, to attend a meeting with a group of distinguished American journalist and editors of various publications at the Jeddah Chamber of Commerce and Industries. They had come on a fact-finding mission to Saudi Arabia, to further their understanding of our country and consequently their reporting.
The meeting was less than a couple of hours long and the Americans had many questions regarding all aspects of Saudi life. One American journalist asked a question that made quite an impact on the Saudi panel, because it represented one of the many misconceptions the West has about Saudi society. The question, which raised some eyebrows including mine, was in essence about temporary marriages, and how these are related to Shariah law. Is it purely a social phenomenon, or is it a form of prostitution? There was confusion at first, since the journalist referred to the Shiite concept of temporary marriages. This does not really exist in Saudi’s mainly Sunni society. However, Sunnis do know ‘misyar’ marriage, a practice that is at the root of a lot of debate. Everyone in Saudi society, has widely different views on misyar marriage, and it has been extensively written about in the Saudi media.
One important aspect of such marriages is that usually the first wife has no idea that her husband has taken a second wife, because he keeps that a well-hidden secret from her and his family. Perhaps he might tell one or two trusted friends. The second wife’s family is usually in the know, but otherwise it is, more or less, a restricted but convenient relationship. What was interesting to me was that they were so keen to discuss this aspect of our society, since ironically, some societies in the US have polygamous marital arrangements. Such as some Mormons follow the church of Latter Day Saints, in states such as Utah. Yes, I have followed the T.V. series Big Love with great interest, and I was truly fascinated by the concept of American women willingly and happily agreeing to be a part of a polygamous marriage, based on religious conviction. Yet unlike Islamic Shariah law, which allows a man only four wives, polygamous Mormons can take many wives without restriction.
As I understand it, polygamy is very controversial, forbidden and publishable by law in the US, but somehow they find ways to get around these laws. Not only is there open polygamy in some parts of the US, but also there are many cases of bigamy. In my view that is similar to misyar marriage. Bigamists usually have two separate families that are totally unaware of each other’s existence. Until the man gets found out! In Saudi society however, even though polygamy is totally permissible by Shariah law according to strict criteria, and no one can dispute its legality, most Saudi women vehemently refuse the concept of their husbands officially taking a second wife, let alone a third or a fourth. Not only from a purely emotional and financial perspective, but also how it effects her standing in society. Some consider misyar to be even worse, but only if the man carelessly reveals his secret marriage to the first wife. The second wife would then be made to feel ashamed about the relationship, despite its legality. We all know that relationships between the sexes are complex, but these complexities are certainly not unique to Saudi Arabia.

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