JEDDAH, 5 June 2005 — Shaden Fahd and Omar Zain — as they chose to call themselves — are in their sixth year of misyar marriage and consider themselves fortunate and happily married. Both of the middle-aged twosome have successful businesses in various fields while leading co-independent private lives.
“For decades and especially in the Arab culture, women have disheveled and restructured their lives around men or children,” said Shaden Fahd. “She’s always been expected to subordinate her life to others. It doesn’t matter what she is — a doctor or a teacher — when and if she gets married, she’s got to uproot herself.”
Fahd enjoys her roots.
“Of course, there are those who have been obliged to fall in line because the woman have been dependent on others so they have not had the option,” she said. “Well, I was fortunate to have the option, and I can afford to give myself the option — the option of being married and keeping my personal space: To have a partner to share my life and not become my life,” she said. “I didn’t want to have to shift my life around. I wanted to add to my current life and not have to take anything away. Sure, it may sound selfish to many, but it’s about knowing yourself and knowing what suits you best.”
Shaden and Omar met more than seven years ago through mutual friends and found that they had more in common than they could imagine. They were middle-aged, unmarried, financially independent and free-spirited. Despite their unusual or unique ending, their beginning was familiarly patterned in the takeoff of male-female relationships.
“At the beginning of getting to know Shaden, I thought to myself ‘She’s just putting on the Miss Independent or the no marriage interest just to trap me’,” Omar said. “Modesty aside, I was considered in my day and age to be an eligible bachelor. You can’t imagine how pleased and amazed I was when I found that she totally meant it. She was all that she said she was. It was interesting and even intimidating at times to meet a Saudi woman who wasn’t interested in me because she wanted financial security or social status or a family.”
When they realized there was mutual attraction and interest in taking their connection further, the option of a misyar marriage was communicated through mutual friends, directly discussed between them — yet initially rejected by Shaden’s family.
“Our father — may he rest in peace — wouldn’t hear of the option of a misyar marriage,” said Abdul Rahman, Shaden’s 37-year-old brother.
“Coming from a tribal family with most of our relatives still living in Riyadh, my family was outraged that she would even think of such a matter. In fact, my mother blamed my father telling him that this was all the result of letting her have her way in too many things,” said Abdul Rahman. “It didn’t matter to my father that Omar was from a rich, well-established and prominent family, and he wasn’t outraged about being from the Western Region. It was Shaden wanting to get married the ‘misyaric’ way that angered him. To him misyar marriage meant a woman giving herself for free.”
After a near two-year unofficial engagement period, Shaden and Omar tied the knot in March 2000 celebrating with an exclusive and very private dinner in the company of very few friends and a number of family members.
After a brief honeymoon in Europe and Lebanon, they both returned to Jeddah to resume their single, yet married, lives.
“I remember the first thought that came into my mind that day when I walked through my front door after coming back from our honeymoon. ‘I’m married, but I’m free!’” said Omar laughing.
“Marriage is always referred to as the ‘golden cage’, but we managed to beat the cage part this way. I’m addicted to my bachelor lifestyle and have avoided marriage up until Shaden because I knew I couldn’t fit into the traditional stereotypical marriage,” he said.
“I’ve always known that misyar marriage would be perfect for me, but I couldn’t find the woman who’d agree to it — especially as I wasn’t married — currently or previously — and misyar marriage is mostly associated with second-marriage status.”
Shaden and Omar currently live in separate houses in different districts of the same city. They see each other at each other’s residencies depending on their mutual circumstances, moods and plans. Both agree that with each of them not having children in mind, misyar marriage is much more suitable.
Shaden also said such a marital arrangement was for the emotionally independent, free-spirited and self-confident. “If a woman is the kind who needs constant reassurance that she’s loved, or if she needs a man around most of the time to make her confident of her womanhood, then misyar marriage isn’t going to work for her,” said Shaden.
“Some of my family members still think it’s a degrading and disrespectful arrangement that makes me look wanton or selfish. And why is that? Because he doesn’t house me? Doesn’t pay for my expenses? If in regular marriages a husband takes care of his wife and children financially it’s not because that’s what she’s worth or it’s out of respect. Women ought to know that their worth can’t be measured by a husband or, any man taking care of her — financially or not. I know my worth, and whether Omar takes care of me financially or not is irrelevant. Furthermore, financial independence gives a person freedom — why should I lose this freedom by getting married?”
Among the advantages of getting married the misyar way, Shaden and Omar agreed that not being an out-in-the-open traditional couple enabled them to dodge the social baggage that comes with being married. They believed that one of the factors that was a catalyst for their successful marriage was that they were spared the social appearances and familial obligations that come heavy within the Saudi community of the married.
“Many go for misyar marriages as a means of fleeing problems or failed relationships,” said Omar. He gently nudged Shaden’s hand, and she smiled back at him as he said: “Instead our marriage is a haven we escape to instead of escaping from. It suits us and our kind of personalities.”