The other day, I finished reading an engaging book offered to me by a dear friend who happens to be a co-author of the book. It’s title is, “The Ultimate Guide to Transforming Anger,” by Peaco Todd, Jane Middleton Moz, and Lisa Tener. The authors have successfully described different types of anger and suggested ways to manage each kind in a wise, intelligent, and understanding manner, which can diffuse anger; resolve issues; and allow for more consideration between both parties. But, the chapter that particularly caught my attention was about handling anger with young and not so young children.
Most parents have gone through situations of frustration in dealing with an angry child. Due to impatience and lack of understanding the child’s needs, some parents respond with violent anger at times. The child goes into a tantrum, which, in turn, provokes fury in parents. I shall discuss this type of anger, explore some incidents that infuriate parents, and explain the recommendations suggested by the authors.
Some newborns have the ability to keep on crying for long hours, making the tired mother tense, edgy, and short-tempered. She makes all possible attempts of cleaning, feeding, bathing, carrying, rocking, patting, breastfeeding, and massaging her infant without result. Exhausted, sleep-deprived, helpless, scared, exasperated, and patience-depleted, the frustrated mother directs her anger towards her husband, a family member, or even her baby.
Some toddlers or older children nag, cry, and howl continuously for hours even though you feel that all their needs and demands are met. Frustrated, you begin to loose your nerves. Stop! Don’t lose your temper. Take a few deep breaths. Walk out of the room for a few minutes. After having cooled down, come back and try to soothe the child. Later sit down and try to identify the child’s behavior that provoked your anger. Could it be one of the following:
• Your child does not obey instructions
• Your child does not stop crying
• Your child lies
• Your child is aggressive and belligerent
• Your child refuses to share
• Your child is restless
• Your child neglects his homework
• Your child misbehaves and answers back
• Your child interrupts you when talking
• Your child ignores your questions
• Your child takes things without permission
• Your child has a tantrum when refused his way.
Such behaviors are quite normal at certain ages. The child wants to assert his or her personality, draw your attention, or test the limits. You should identify the need that results in such behavior. Explain that he cannot have his way all the time, but because he is growing now, he will be allowed more things provided he behaves; asks permission; does not lie, throw tantrums, or neglect homework; shares toys; stops fighting etc. Parents should allow their children to express themselves and express their needs rather than getting into fits or being rude. If you do not wish them to have sweets before lunch, explain why and promise a chocolate after lunch. Replace “No” and “Don’t” with “Do” or rewards. Be positive rather than negative.
Teenagers, too, feel the need to assert their independence. Encourage discussions and allow them to express themselves as long as their conducts are civilized and mature. Your emotional support, patience and understanding are important at this stage.
Identify the source of your own anger before directing your rage towards your child, when something or somebody else may have provoked it. Lack of restraint on your temper will add to the frustration on both sides and will raise walls of estrangement instead of building bridges of understanding. Give choices or alternatives. Reward your children when you are pleased with them. Befriend them; don’t alienate them. Try to recall your own anger and frustrations as a child or teenager. Handling your anger with patience and understanding is a persuasive and mature approach that leads to healthier relationships. How you behave with your children will be automatically instilled in them and will affect their conduct as adults. Transforming anger to a positive direction can give better results and enhance relationships. You will find tremendous reward with such a conduct.
I suggest reading the book. It may be a useful guide to managing many types of anger.
N.B. I would like to give some input from personal experience. When your baby continuously cries even after being fed, cleaned, changed, and bathed, try the following suggestions: Put the infant in the crib; move away a little; take a couple of deep-breaths; splash water on your face; or drink water to cool off. And then go back to soothing your baby. Sometimes he or she may need to be put on your breast to be pacified. If the child is the colicky type, find help (your mother, husband, friend) so that you can take a break.