ALL too often we read a story, watch a program, or hear from somebody that someone has been abused. In most cases, it is a woman. Not infrequently, children are involved and are silent witnesses to the vicious acts. Domestic violence is a growing problem in every country and in every community regardless of gender, class, race, or religion. Not enough emphasis is put on what we as individuals and communities can do to prevent them from continuing.
Recently, a friend of mine returned from the United States. She told me of an incident involving a couple arguing loudly in a parked car. All of a sudden the man opened the woman’s door and began pushing her out. Being unable to remove her by pushing, the man got out and dragged her out of the car. He then returned to the car and drove away. My friend and another couple rushed to the girl and helped her up. She clutched my friend, crying in her arms. After a few minutes, my friend said the car returned. She said to the crying girl, “Don’t go; you don’t have to.” At first there was a moment of hesitation; the girl looked at her partner and then at them. She turned back crying and said, “I have to go with him.”
My friend recalled the pain and frustration she felt as she and the other couple watched the girl get in the car.
There are many reasons why women stay with their abusers. Some of the common ones are: “He isn’t always like this” or “I deserved it” or even strangely enough, “I still love him.” Financial fears are also a common reason. Many victims even use children as an example of why they stay, “I will be taking them away from a family life.” What they don’t realize is the kind of family life these children have, growing up in the midst of violence. Statistics show that children who live in abused families are likely to become abusers themselves if proper counseling and help is not given to them.
Laurie, an American living in the United States, explained what it was like growing up with an abusive father. Though she herself was never abused, she witnessed her mother being mentally tortured and severely beaten by her father.
“I remember as a child waking up in the night, hearing my parents arguing. The arguing got worse and worse. Then the banging and throwing started. I heard sounds of papers flying, sometimes chairs or lamps being thrown across the room. I can still remember the screams of my mother, begging my father to stop. For many years when I was young, I would try to stop them by going between them and pushing them away from each other. At times, I often would try to injure myself to make them stop but they would just blame each other for my injuries. This only made things harder for my mother. All I could do was cry.”
Laurie fortunately got the counseling she needed and managed to survive with the help and support of family and friends. But there are many women who are not that strong and not so lucky. Many of those who are domestically abused are also emotionally abused. Their self-esteem and mental health are slowly destroyed by the abuser making it almost impossible to leave and get the urgent help they desperately need. So how can we react to these soundless cries for help? What can we do as a community to prevent these awful things from happening? What can be done to guarantee that these women will be heard and truly helped?
We can start by recognizing there is a problem and try to determine what steps should be taken. One article on domestic violence suggests some possible indicators of problems. These include someone who is very isolated, someone who has experienced many unexplainable injuries, who frequently flees from home, who seems afraid to speak in the presence of their partner and someone who has attempted suicide.
It is vitally important to be supportive and let the victim feel she is not alone. Listen to her, believe in her, and above all don’t judge her. It is extremely difficult for abused women to open up to people. When they do, they should be taken seriously. Be aware she is reaching out for help and try to find services necessary to ensure her — and her children — safety. There should be places for victims to go to feel safe and secure, receiving the help and support they need.
Also, contact numbers should be made public such as a 24-hour hotline so these victims can get the immediate attention they deserve. Violence is never acceptable. Nobody has the right to harm another human being. It is up to us to help and assist those in need instead of ignoring or turning our backs on cries for help.