I have been having a difficult time dealing with depression the last couple of days. I have been doing things that I like and enjoy yet they are adding tremendous pressure to my life. Talking to my family in New York and writing friends on the Internet always cheered me up before. Traveling was great and exciting. I now find that the world has changed and the fun is disappearing fast.
Flying to Riyadh to attend an engineering and construction show wore me out. First the increased security at the airport, though necessary, was time-consuming and annoying. The metal detectors were turned up so high that I had to remove my glasses, belt, and ring. On my third try, I had to take my shoes off as well. I noticed a good many other passengers having similar problems. Once on the plane, the flight attendant mentioned her fears and sorrow that so many innocent had died in the attacks. This gave me my first clue that the world that I knew had gone forever. Never again would I go through life saying, “Hi! How are you?” Now instead, it is “Wow! How many people will be made homeless or killed this week?”
Arriving at the exhibition, which I must say was very impressive and professional, lifted my spirits. While talking to an exhibitor, the depression returned. He explained living and working here was all right but that he had no place to go home to. He was of course Palestinian. Where is the world that was? Pushing on back to the airport for my return flight, I was ready this time for the metal detector. I took off my shoes the first time but forgot my belt. Around I went again and after three passes, I decided there was nothing to do but get used to it.
When I arrived in Jeddah, the time was right for calling home to the US. Then things went from bad to worse. The first call to a friend left my head spinning. When calling long distance, I talk fast and cover a lot of subjects. What was the mood in New York? I was told, “Big time depression and confusion.”
Why do people hate America so much? How could America have trained someone like Bin laden? Are all these rumors true — the large movement of airline stocks the day before the attacks? The number of Jews not reporting to work that day? The FBI giving a list of incorrect names to the press? Here I was calling for information and was asked a lot of questions.
My next call took its toll also. My family was happy to hear from me but they sounded beaten. Not alive and full of energy. I said, “Hey you guys, I call you so you can cheer me up and make my day, not bust my bubble and sink my ship.”
That helped the mood and what I received from them was that Americans, though hurt, do not want war, bombings, or strong military action against innocent people. They do not like the accusations nor the tactics the FBI is using in detaining and harassing innocent people. They are fearful of new laws being passed. What will happen six months from now if they speak up against the injustices going on? Will their names appear on terrorist lists because they have relatives in Saudi Arabia? Will their bank accounts be frozen because their beliefs are different? The American public is getting a quick education in world current events and both FBI and CIA procedures.
My depression was flaring up again. On to the Internet and checking on old friends. The mailbox was loaded. I had 22 new letters. One from some entertainer friends who were putting on concerts for the victims and talking about raising money to transport food to Afghanistan for the people there. There were letters explaining how Christians and Muslims were coming together to help victims. Quite a few about the foreign policies that the US follows without taking into account the will of the people concerned.
Almost all expressed the hope for peace and justice. None were seeking revenge. Hoping for cool heads and wise decisions, over the next three days I gained three kilos. It is time to get tough and fight this depression. I must accept the fact that the world will never be the same again.