Q.1. A relative of my wife has been in love with a Hindu man who is already married. My wife would prefer that we do not discuss the subject with the two people involved because that would be interfering in their private affairs when they are adults and know what they are doing. Please comment.
Q.2. What would you advise a husband who is often accused by his wife of having a relationship with one of her relatives, when there is no evidence to support her accusation. As a result, relations between them have deteriorated to the extent that there may be physical assaults and retaliation. The husband has reached the point of preferring to separate, but they have a young son and they work in the same place.
(Name and address withheld)
A.1. Giving good counsel is an important aspect of Islam. The Prophet says: "True religion is giving good counsel." When he was asked to whom such counsel should be given, he answered: "For God’s sake, His book and His messenger, to the leaders of the Muslim community and to all Muslims generally." So, when a close relative is in need of advice, it is only right that one should give such advice, particularly if it is to point out a source of likely danger or misfortune. We need not wait until advice is solicited. If we feel that a close friend or relative is going the wrong way, we should come forward and give advice for God’s sake and to save that person from danger.
In this case, a woman indulges in a behavior that is likely to result in great trouble for her and her family. She is in need of honest advice. Someone has to tell her that such love will either end in frustration as she cannot marry this man, or in disobedience to God if she tries to arrange a civil marriage. Such a marriage will not be recognized as valid in Islam. Hence, she would be in an illegitimate relationship with this man. If she loves him and does not marry him, she will end up in sadness.
If such advice is given in the right way, it should be appreciated. It will not be construed as interference. Rather, an expression of care for the lady involved.
A.2. The couple to whom the reader refers need marriage counselling. I cannot comment on the case without going deeper into the problem and its causes. This is beyond the scope of this column. However, I may say that an accusation of adultery is a very serious charge and must not be repeated by a wife against her husband without clear evidence. But from what the reader says, there is much that is lacking in the couple’s relationship. Otherwise there would have been no need for the husband beating up his wife so that she feels compelled to retaliate.
When things reach such a stage, it is wrong to write to someone asking for an outline of husband’s rights. The husband in this case has forfeited much of his rights by the way he treats his wife. Moreover, her accusations are either based on some evidence or a means of retaliation. If he has given her reason to doubt his behavior, then the fault lies with him. If she is only retaliating, then it is a case of a weaker party trying to use some means of causing irritation to her tormentor.
My advice to this reader is to look hard into his own behavior first and identify the areas where he has gone wrong. It is always better to rectify one’s own mistakes before expecting others to do the same. When he has set his behavior on the right footing, and when he has shown her the sort of respect, care and love that every Muslim wife deserves, then he can speak to her in a caring and loving way about her complaints. They can easily reach some sort of understanding, based on mutual respect and love.
Perhaps it is one manifestation of the ailment in their relationship that the wife sometimes says that Islam is unfair to women.
This is certainly untrue. No religion or man-made system is fairer to women than Islam, but Muslim men often neglect what Islam says and treat their women unfairly, which is unacceptable from the Islamic point of view.