We did not listen to what the child was saying while we were on a visit to a friend’s house a few days ago. The child was saying to his mother, the hostess, that he did not love his grandma. He made this confession when the mother asked him whom he loved among those who were seated there. He said he loved his father, mother, and the servant. He excluded his grandmother for reasons he alone knew. It seemed that his grandma, who was there, also did not mind. However, the mother, who appeared to be upset with her son, wanted an answer that was pleasing to all.

She asked in a stern voice: “What about your grandma?”

He simply said: “I don’t love her.”

Now the mother was angry: “You forget that grandma gives you chocolates, ice-cream and toys.”

“Yes. Still I don’t love her,” he was emphatic.

We men stopped our conversation as our attention was drawn by the mother’s shouting. She was embarrassed.

“You must love your grandma,” she shouted and ordered. However the son was not ready to comply. He continued saying: “I don’t love grandma, I don’t love grandma.”

It was then that the mother raised her right hand to strike the child’s face and said: “You have to love Grandma.”

Now the crying child blurted out, almost unintelligibly, “I love grandma.”

The mother was pleased and she calmed down.

I remained a silent spectator to the incident, unable to do or say anything. Finally I stood up and left. I was upset by the mother who was teaching her child to be insincere and dishonest. He was also being taught how dangerous it can be to tell the truth. The truth exposed him to blows and humiliation. On the contrary, lies result in admiration and appreciation and might sometimes earn him rewards such as chocolates and candies.

This is how we destroy our children. Not because we don’t love them. It is only because we cannot understand them. A child does not know how to hide his real feelings. He knows only to express what he feels or sees. We should encourage children to tell the facts as they see them. We should not punish them for not telling what they are not convinced of.

We interfere in children’s affairs more than we ought to. We often use strong words and expressions when we deal with children. Some fathers shout in the faces of their sons: “You stupid ass.” How then can the sons be expected to behave otherwise? This may be the reason why the world is full of stupid asses.

***

REEM, who turned 17 last month, complains that she is presently under heavy pressure from her parents to marry a rich man she does not like. She is an intelligent student who dreams of being a doctor. She fears that the suitor will shatter her dreams by making her a virtual prisoner in his home. On the other hand, everyone in her family is keen to have him for an in-law. Dismissing her opposition to the marriage as stupid, they suggested that she meet him and discover his admirable qualifications — particularly how rich and generous he is.

In a long letter to me she wrote: “He has been sending me expensive gifts and my parents say this shows how generous he is. I can see through his gifts. He is attempting to cover up his unpleasant qualities — such as being overweight and unable to communicate freely with people. He looks like a mountain of flesh with a small head on top. He gasps for air after every word he utters and pants like a dog after every step. Our air-conditioners cannot stop his profuse sweating when he visits us. He has no self-confidence. Always decision are made on his behalf by his mother and sisters, even on trivial matters.”

She added that she would have accepted him but for the impossible conditions he laid down. His first demand is that she should stop her studies. Secondly, she would not be allowed to work after marriage. He argued that she would not need to work because he had enough money.

“All these conditions were accepted without my knowledge. I am very upset. My nights are sleepless. I don’t feel interested in anything. Please tell me how to save myself from a terrible situation,” she ended the letter.

This is an example of a thousand other letters I often receive from young women who complain about the tyranny of parents or brothers. Parents, and even brothers, do not consult their daughter, or sister, when they make a vital decision affecting her entire future life.

In my reply I asked her to show some firmness in rejecting the conditions he laid down. She should be firm on her right to continue her studies. Secondly, she should insist that he follow a diet so that his weight drops to normal. I am sure that her problems will be solved eventually if she succeeds in making him accept these two conditions.

Arab News Features 13 December 2002