Q. I lost my 20-year-old sister in a kitchen fire. Although it has been sometime since her death, my father is still unable to overcome his grief. He still cries a lot and wants to use the money he had saved for her wedding in order to build a mosque. What do you think we should do in order to overcome his grief?
A. Durrani
A. The loss of a child is very difficult to appreciate by others. No matter how much you feel the loss of your sister, it is totally different for your parents. While such loss is very grave when the son or daughter is still a young child, it is felt much more keenly when they die in their prime, as in this case. I am not surprised that your father is in such grief.
A scholar of high repute who lost his daughter in a case of political assassination wrote that it took him four years to mention her name.
All this is natural and the acute feeling differs from one person to another. As long as this is confined to feelings, there is no harm in that. Crying provides an outlet for one’s grief and helps overcome the negative effects of suppressed feelings.
You need not argue with your father about these expressions. What you need to do is to help him to channel his grief into something positive connected with his deceased daughter.
The idea of building a mosque with the money he had earmarked for her is good if it does not affect his other commitments.
Starting the project and being positively involved in its execution could be very beneficial for him. If the mosque is built in a village where there is urgent need for it, the reward could be greater.
What also helps is to remind your father that when one accepts any calamity with resignation, and bears its effects with patience, God increases his reward for it. In order to help him to do that, you should remind him that in many cases like this, death is the better alternative for the deceased. If you compare death in a fire with surviving with extensive burns, death may be easier to bear.
In such a situation, one could feel God’s mercy in the death of a loved one. You say also that your father is always reading the Qur’an. You may suggest to him that when he finishes his recitation, he should dedicate the reward to his departed daughter. Gradually, he may come to think of her being admitted to heaven and he will join her there, God willing.
Arab News Islam 23 May 2003