Q. The Prophet has urged young men to get married and recommended them to marry religious women. How can a person like me get to know that a certain woman is religious? Moreover, if I marry at home in India, there are many traditions and social customs that we observe which are borrowed from other religions and cultures. Sometimes I feel that when I try to get married, although my mother wants me to delay my marriage for a few years, I am allowing my desire to take control. At times, I think of marrying a widow in order to receive more reward from God. Please comment.

(Name and address withheld)

A. The first thing to say is that at your age of 24, you are not too young to be married as your mother suggests. If you feel you need to have a family, then this is the time for you to look for a wife. It is not a question of following one’s desire; rather it is one of self-fulfillment, which is natural to all men and women.

This is the reason why God has made marriage the proper, clean, legitimate and relaxed way of satisfying natural impulses.

It is important to follow Islamic teachings in marriage, as in every other purpose of life. The Islamic way shown by the Prophet is the best approach to every objective we set for ourselves. Islamic marriage is easy, and works for the benefit for both partners. What people add to it often makes it very hard for young people to get married. So, try hard to conform to the Islamic teachings, rather than social traditions. After all, if we want to bring such traditions in line with Islamic teachings, the first step is for individuals to break such traditions. When people realize that the break is spurred by the desire to conform to Islam, they will accept it and gradually society will move toward establishing Islamic teachings as its own traditions.

As for the way to know which woman is religious, the proper way is to ask friends and neighbors. If you know someone who teaches in a girls’ school, she may tell you about her fellow teachers, or students. Your community may also have families with daughters of the marriageable age.

When you consider the sort of wife you want to have, you must look at your future and how you want to shape it. Marrying a widow who may be a lot older than you may not be the proper thing for you. When the Prophet’s companion, Jabir ibn Abdullah, got married, the Prophet asked him whether he chose a virgin or a woman who had been married before. Jabir told him it was the latter.

The Prophet said to him: “Would not a virgin have been better for you as a playmate?” In another report the Prophet is quoted to have said to him: “And how do you prefer this to a virgin with whom to play?” Jabir was 19 at the time, and the Prophet looked at this factor when he suggested this to him. Jabir told him that his father had just died, leaving him seven sisters to look after and he thought that a mature woman would be more able to do so. The Prophet approved.

As you see, Islam looks at a person’s needs and circumstances. When the Prophet considered Jabir’s case as a young man, he made those suggestions. When Jabir added the factor of looking after his sisters, the situation changed.

We cannot say that the Prophet encouraged Jabir to follow his desires. What is condemned in this area is not having a legitimate desire, but putting a frivolous desire above one’s duty. May God facilitate for you the choice of a good wife with whom you may lead a happy life.

The Dead: Their Reward and Grades

Q. You mentioned in an earlier answer that a dead parent benefits by his child’s prayer, and that a parent’s position may be upgraded. How can this happen when before the Day of Resurrection the dead are in the intermediate stage of the barzakh? Does it mean that the soul would have already reached heaven?

H. Ahmad • Jeddah

Q. How can a person do something for his deceased relative? What actions can a parent or a son do to increase the reward of their dear departed ones?

Abdul-Lateef • Jeddah

A. When questions about what happens after death are concerned, I do not like to embark on detailed discussion. I prefer to limit myself to the obvious meaning of what is mentioned in the Qur’an, or what the Prophet has told us. We should accept this without asking too many questions about method and form. The fact is that we cannot comprehend the nature of the life to come within the terms of our present life. The two are totally different.

Of course, there is a time gap between people’s death and the Day of Resurrection. This is what is termed as the barzakh, which literally means a gap in between two things. As far as life is concerned, this is the intermediate stage. However, when people are questioned in the grave about their actions, they learn something about the outcome of their test in this life.

The Hadith, which tells people about the improvement in their prospects as a result of a child’s prayer, means that they are told of this.

How and in what way, we certainly do not know. Needless to say, a child’s prayer is one of the three ways that people may have reward added to their credit after their death. The other two methods are a continuous act of charity and a useful contribution to knowledge.

We may benefit the dead by offering zakah and charity on their behalf, and by doing the pilgrimage or the Umrah and dedicating its reward to them.

We may also read the Qur’an and request God to credit them with the reward of our reading. Any act of worship that may be done by proxy can also be offered on behalf of a deceased person.

Arab News Islam 18 July 2003