Growing up in the West, I was often asked the same questions about my homeland, such as whether I lived in a tent or if I had an oil well in my backyard or whether I went to school on a camel. The stereotype of a Saudi was of a rich Bedouin whose only resource was oil.

To this nomad image, the world added another after the Sept. 11 attacks. Now, as the world discovers our men as wife-beaters, the image of Saudis has taken another knock.

Placing people into categories because of the actions of a few is unfair and biased. It is unjust to label all Saudi men abusive beasts. Domestic violence is a sad reality in many societies. Nevertheless, what makes it shocking here is the fact that Islamic law is very protective of women and children. Abuse in all its forms is un-Islamic, and it cannot be denied that the phenomenon is common here and has for too long been swept under the carpet.

So why is the media here capitalizing on just one woman’s plight when injustices occur in so many other Saudi homes?

A vital part of the family is the mother and wife, yet many Saudi women live in fear. Most live under the constant threat that their husbands will take another wife. Many are imprisoned by their husbands but unable to escape because of their love and attachment to their children. They are unable to speak out for fear of losing custody. And rarely, too, there are cases where the men are the victims.

Saudi men married to foreign women find themselves in a complex predicament. Some are bending over backward to keep their wives happy so that they won’t leave them and take the kids. Or the foreign wives who feel trapped in an alien country and culture that they didn’t really understand before they came.

Who is to blame? Is it the women for being unaware of their rights? Or the men for taking advantage of their rights? Or the courts who give abusive fathers custody of children as often as they give it to non-abusive fathers. Islamic law protects above all against the destruction of the family.

Many place the blame on the Saudi man. Fathers share the responsibility when it comes to bringing up decent sons and self-confident daughters. The most important factor in a woman’s life, one that affects her entire future, is her relationship with her father. If the father is abusive and controlling, then she is very likely to choose a similar mate. If the father is absent, a woman may spend her life looking for that father figure.

Abusive men usually start out as the protectors of their mothers against their own cruel fathers. Yet as they grow older, they often forget that their wives are also mothers.

These abusive men are cowards, men who would shrink from fighting with other men. They prey on the weaknesses of fellow humans. Adolescent boys harassing and intimidating women in the streets and shopping malls are a clear indication of what kind of cowards they will become.

But there is another side. I say we, as women, are also partially to blame. We are the ones who bear both male and female children, yet discriminate between them. We scrutinize our daughters and watch over them like hawks while boasting about our sons and letting them roam free as eagles. We shape and mold our daughters into subordinates and encourage our sons to be dominant. Some mothers go to the extent of flaunting their son’s escapades. Yet we allow our daughters none of the liberties that we allow our sons.

Perhaps many of these freedoms should be discouraged in both genders. It is with the way we mothers bring up our children that the double standard begins.

We must empower our children with self-respect, knowledge of their own rights and the rights of others, and a solid Islamic upbringing. Only then will Saudi men and women be able to regain the respect of others.

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(Hadeel Shaikh is a poet, freelance writer and an advocate of children’s rights. She is based in Jeddah.)