JEDDAH, 30 June 2004 — Saudi Arabia is lucky to have some of the widest streets I have seen in my life. The side streets are what we would consider motorways in London, and as for the motorways themselves, they would be rather long runways.

So far so good. Wide roads are safer roads. With all the space around you it’s hard to imagine crashing into someone or hitting another vehicle. Unless you’re taxi-ing a plane into its hangar, there’s enough space for everyone to drive comfortably at different responsible speeds.

Yet there is a breed of drivers in Saudi Arabia who seemingly ignore all cars five inches shorter than theirs. Driving at absolutely crazy speeds, this species terrorizes other drivers and have claimed the streets as their own. Being in a small salon or hatchback is thus the most frightening experience imaginable. My only solace was what I was told back in London: Jeddah is like a funfair ride — sit back, let it shake you about a bit and you’ll come out laughing at the end of it.

I would have adopted this wholeheartedly, but whizzing two-ton monsters and rubber-burning sports cars somehow do not leave me laughing when they fly past, shaking my car.

But it is not simply the adrenaline-charged street tanks that cause me anguish but also the drivers of more modestly sized cars who are like inquisitive rats having a nibble at the cheese. Driving on a main road is a perilous task; every side street sees a car driving out at amazing speed halfway into the road, then braking, at which point the driver looks to his left and continues either straight or turns. What puzzles me is that the drivers feel any need to look given that they have already graced half the road with their presence, blocked at least one lane and continue to move regardless of what their glance reveals about the traffic situation.

Monitor the situation at a red light and you will see some bizarre maneuvers. Certain drivers who have realized that they need to do a U-turn but are stuck on the extreme right see no harm in driving across four lanes as they do so, to make sure that when the lights are green, they will be able to drive into the oncoming lane. Again the only excuse I can see for this is that they own the road, are totally oblivious to the cars around them, and believe their cars are made out of sponge. Nor can they believe that it is their fault they got stuck in the far right lane when they should have been on the far left.

There is also the impatient species. A red light that is red just isn’t good enough. He can’t wait. Tazaj has released its new chicken Kabsa. So whilst the lights are red his car edges forward like a dog on a leash, dying to break free. Then as he feels he can wait no longer he pushes forward past the light where he can’t see it. Then, he can’t take it anymore. Satisfying his conscience that he has somehow waited long enough he speeds ahead.

Beeping is an art on the streets of Jeddah. The horns seem to be connected to the brake and gas pedals. Any movement is certain to sound off a horn and during the switching of a light from red to green, a millisecond’s delay in racing away will trigger off a children’s recorder concert behind you — except the children all seem to be high and using Bose amplifiers. There are beeps to let you know someone is turning, beeps to let you know someone is angry, beeps to say thank you, beeps to publicize someone’s marriage (at night and when you are asleep) and judging by some of the more prolonged and furious beeping, beeps to publicize someone’s divorce.

You also have to be very adept at steering without prior warning. Turning into a side street will almost always introduce your car to a crater in the middle of the road. Well not exactly a crater but still, a two-meter diameter, foot-deep hole that will ensure your mechanic is financially secure for the next year. The only way you can avoid steering abruptly is by looking ahead of you at drivers more knowledgeable than you. You will find cars speed, separate, skid, slide and then return to their normal positions again. Looking for an explanation here I assumed that the Luftwaffe flew sorties over Jeddah during World War II, so that filling these holes would be erasing valuable wartime memories.

Driving in Saudi Arabia is, in sum, a very engaging experience. It requires constant attention and eyes that monitor mirrors, ears that listen to the ever important beeping and hands that are always willing to turn a steering wheel 100 degrees at a moment’s notice. Provided you are constantly alert to the terrors of bank vaults rocketing past on 17-inch wheels or cars appearing from nowhere and parking in front of you briefly to show you that they exist, you can have a lovely time looking at the sights Saudi Arabia has to offer. Just make sure that you too have a fully functional horn. At least if nothing happens to you or your car you can tell people about your emotional state.