JEDDAH, 26 April 2006 — Each year, among the children who lose their parents and are cared for at orphanages are a few children who are abandoned, many a few weeks or days old. They get the needed care, education and guidance to become good, productive members of society, many times excelling in their chosen vocations.
Sadly, because of some antiquated social taboos, they get a bitter reminder of their rough starts in life when they seek a woman’s hand in marriage. For them, there is no one to speak for them, and parents concerned about status and lineage dismiss altogether their proposals for the most part.
Statistics compiled from the first orphanage in the Kingdom, established more than 70 years ago in Makkah, contradict those parental concerns. In a recent year, of 55 abandoned children who grew up to lead successful lives and got married, only seven percent have divorced, Al-Watan Arabic daily reported recently.
But for many, the rejection that landed them in orphanages to begin with is repeated through archaic customs.
“Families care about lineage and the background of a man before they accept him for a marriage,” said Dalia. “When you think about it, every family has the right to ask for the background of a person because no one wants someone with unknown parents. People without identities are victims of the special circumstances they are in. They came into the world not knowing who their parents are. It is not necessarily that they came from an illegitimate relationship. Many were kidnapped at a young age and lived with no identity. This is not a measurement in anyway because many bad husbands come from well-known families.”
“If there was a problem between me and my mystery husband, to whom would I turn to complain?” asked Lama. “I wouldn’t marry someone who was unsure of his last name. If he came to ask for my hand in marriage, who would he come with?”
Fathers remain skeptical of those once-abandoned young men.
“The best way to know the person is by knowing his family,” said Abu Ammar, a finance manager at a private company. “If his family is unknown, then the best thing would be for these unknown men to marry unknown women because they would be a perfect match together.”
“How could I throw my daughter away to someone with unknown identity?” asked Yahya Al-Hadi, a company manager. “It would be better for these people to marry someone like them — unknown — because that would be the best solution.”
Some women disagree.
“It’s not their problem that they grew up with no identity, and I think they are victims of circumstance,” said Samar, an English major at a university. “I would approve of marrying a man with no identity as long as he was an honorable man with decent job. They would make excellent fathers because they would love their children and give them more love and attention than what they missed from their real fathers.”
Referring to newspaper reports of parents who torture their children, she said: “Parents with unknown fathers would never think of harming their children, and instead they would be more loving and caring than fathers who grew up in large, spoiled families.”
She wonders if there really is a difference.
“I know what I said would be rejected by my family and society, but if I look at a picture, I would be marrying a man and not his family. So his family doesn’t really matter. I don’t think that the family is necessary. This man would be the whole family, he would be the father and the mother and the whole life.”
If the parents get a chance to know the man, they might be finding a wonderful husband for their daughter.
Ali A., 23, is a man who was abandoned as a newborn. He often wonders who his parents were, but he had distinguished both academically and in the workplace, and now he is a successful young man.
“I went with one of my friends in summertime to his village near Taif so he could see his family,” Ali said. “I felt comfortable when I met them. I saw the way he greeted his father when he bowed to kiss his hand. I walked away and cried because it made me realize what I’d missed by not having a father. My friend and his father comforted me and told me that I was one of the family, which made me feel at ease. Our relationship grew stronger, and one month later I came to ask for their daughter’s hand in marriage, and they approved it.”
He now believes that he will live a normal life, and he will have children like the rest of the people. He promised to care for his family and to raise his children in the best way and give them all the love and attention humanly possible — a far cry from some husbands for whom wives and children become punching bags.
Sara, a university student, said that if a man married a woman of unknown parentage it would be much better than the opposite. She said that when a girl gets married, she often becomes a stranger to her family anyway. She would be loyal to her husband’s family and her children would carry the father’s last name.
“It is totally the opposite if a girl from a known family marries a man with an unknown identity,” she said. “A girl marrying a man with no identity is like sending a girl into the unknown. The husband and his children would be lost in a society that does not show mercy.”
In such circumstances, she said, despite the taboos, she might be inclined to follow her heart if she was in that situation. “I wouldn’t object to marrying a man with no identity if I thought that he was right for me,” she said. “And I would go against the will of my family for him.”
