Will the time ever come when women will stop shouting about their inequality with man, stop participating in meetings and symposiums set up by women’s organizations to demand women’s rights and accept some kind of truce in the marital home? Will the day ever come when women will be convinced that the answer to their marital problems is in their hands if they just stop treating their husbands as adversaries and get past their need to control them and instead resort to affection, mercy and leniency.
The book by Laura Doyle, entitled “The Surrendered Wife: A Practical Guide to Finding Intimacy, Passion and Peace With a Man”, has been hotly debated because it asks women to cease endless quarrels with their husbands and start a calm dialogue, full of understanding and cordiality in order to arrive at a solution to marital problems that is acceptable to both.
The Women’s Rights movement has accused Laura Doyle of trying to return the women’s movement back to the 1950s and further that she wants women to return to blindly obeying men. In reality this is not the case. A number of men and women consider the message that Doyle presents in her book as a peaceful one targeted at the smart woman who wants to safeguard her marriage and her rights without losing the love and respect of her husband.
Perhaps this book was a surprise to women who have been used to Doyle being in the forefront of the women’s movement and a good example of a woman in control. An in-depth study of what she proposes in her book would clarify that what she presents is a new type of control but in the form of surrender. Doyle says that the wife who chooses to surrender and wants to have control in the house must first learn how to take care of herself and overcome her desire for power and forget the myth of equality. She adds that the surrendered wife must learn certain sentences that she has deleted from the dictionary such as “I can’t” and “As you wish” and if she continues to follow this method, she will reduce her worry about many things and also get rid of her fear of the future.
The wife will also get more money and increased intimacy with her husband. With the husband back in control of married life, he will bear all related responsibilities and consequently will cease scolding and criticizing. By giving up some of her responsibilities, the wife can also reduce some of the pressure on her and bring harmony back to the marriage.
So will women surrender?
Married couples often suffer from problems in their marriage. Interference by family and friends in solving these problems usually has the opposite and undesired effect of leading to separation and divorce. Here is a story that I received in the mail.
Manar and Murad were married for more than seven years, five of them happy. Then things changed and they began to argue about even the smallest things. Some eight months ago, Manar discovered that her husband Murad was having an affair with another woman. That relationship, however, soon ended and Murad returned to Manar.
The arguments between Murad and Manar, however, continued and during one of them, Murad suggested that they consult a psychologist/marriage counselor. Manar agreed and at the first visit as the three of them sat in a dimly-lit room, the counselor directed a question at both of them: What made them feel that their relationship was next to impossible?
The husband said that his wife criticized him constantly and found fault with everything he did. The wife said that her husband didn’t show any interest in her and that she wanted him to communicate more with her. On the way home at the end of the first session, the couple realized that for the first time in years they were speaking frankly, each saying what they truly felt about the other.
The husband asked his wife out to dinner at a restaurant that they had often visited during their courtship. A month after that first session after following the counselor’s directions, the couple attended a second session during which they discussed their relationship with him again.
At the end of the visit, the counselor presented them with a paper on which he had drawn each of their family trees. Close scrutiny of the trees made them realize that both families suffered from instability, separation and divorce; they were both overcome with embarrassment.
The sessions continued and during each one, the couple revealed more and more things about themselves and other things — they felt that they were getting to know each other all over again. Slowly the marital relationship began to take on a new shape and mature.
Moral of the story: You must make the effort to meet your real wife whose uniqueness and beauty may have been hidden by problems.
The wife is organized and the husband disorganized. Or it could be the other way around.
This is a common example of many marriages in which married life becomes complicated because of the husband’s inability to adapt to his wife’s excessive neatness and organization or the wife’s inability to adapt to her husband’s careless attitude about where he hangs his clothes or puts his personal effects.
John Gray, the author of “Men Are From Mars and Women Are From Venus,” says that if either partner in the relationship is disorganized, it is not fair for them to be asked to change their habits.
The organized person in the relationship must realize that this is part of their personality and must cease the endless criticism and blame. It is very important for the organized person not to take it personally if their partner is careless about matters such as orderliness and tidiness and both have to realize that it is difficult to make a grown person change their habits.
The organized person must look for alternatives — do the work themselves or find a way to urge their partner to make an effort to change their behavior. They can be asked to help clean the house so that they will see how much effort it takes to keep it clean and tidy, thus making it harder for them to waste all that effort.
John Gray advises married people to stop playing the blame game. The organized wife keeps blaming her husband for his carelessness and never tires of criticizing him. This may drive the husband to stop listening to her and wallow in carelessness and disorganization as rebellion against a controlling wife.
John Gray adds that the wife must stop blaming and use a better way of communicating with her husband. For example, she should let things go and not provoke her husband — by doing so she is building a successful foundation that brings about positive dialogue and in turn leads to some kind of understanding.
John Gray ends by confirming that the couple should give their relationship priority after which they can take the necessary steps to satisfy each other.