When problems persisted after her divorce, Nadia Siraj decided to form a support group for divorcees in hopes of helping herself and other women on their journey to recovery. The 38-year-old single mother has been divorced for five years. She said in her soft voice, “I still have my ups and downs. The problems are continuous and they get bigger sometimes.”
Divorce is the breakup of a relationship when it becomes impossible for the husband and wife to live together. But many women find it difficult to get over the pain and do not know how to move on with their lives.
Along with friends and colleagues who had all been through divorce, Siraj started a group meeting with six other women. The group is called “Life After Divorce — Journey to Your Inner Self.” The idea behind it, Siraj said, was to overcome feelings of anger, failure, frustration and depression and to learn from one’s mistakes.
“You have to look at yourself and the other person without negative feelings. Even if we’re victims, we made mistakes and we have to learn from them,” she said. She said that many women came out of the experience and threw themselves into a second one without understanding why they failed the first time.
The members of Life After Divorce decided to meet in order to create a program. They invited a therapist to be part of the monthly gatherings and provide professional help. “We want to help ourselves and help others. We still don’t know which organization’s umbrella we’ll be under. We started as friends to discuss our experiences and maybe later, to make a pilot program,” said Siraj.
During their first few gatherings, the women proposed questions they needed to answer such as: Do you feel angry? Do you blame yourself? Do you blame others? Do you blame your parents? If you were in his place, how would you have criticized yourself?
“We’re supposed to bring answers for the next meeting, and get some points from different self-help and development, psychology and spirituality books that talk about getting in touch with yourself,” said Siraj. She said that they want to come up with recommendations to address issues such as women’s welfare and child custody and how men abuse the authority given them by the courts in order to hurt mothers.
“One important goal is to have the people in charge of regulations for divorce revise things and take answers from Islam rather than from anywhere else,” said Siraj. “If God trusted a woman to carry a baby in her womb for nine months, then how can you deprive her of her rights?”
Talking to other women in the support group, 37-year-old Umm Sarah was extremely excited. She said that she needed the support the group provided. “I’m a single working mother. I needed support in the difficult times of my divorce. It’s a rough period in any woman’s life,” said Umm Sarah. She added that what makes the transition especially difficult are many: Psychological damage, social pressure, financial obligation and family needs. “Any woman would need help to face all of those,” she said.
Samiah Ameen, 30, was married for nine years and she separated from her husband a few months ago. She was relieved to learn about the support group.
“I tried so hard not to see my home collapsing. Divorce is an ugly experience. It is one of the most devastating things,” said Ameen. Even though her experience is still new and painful, Ameen said that meeting on a regular basis with women who had walked the same path helped her in many ways. “Other women who have gone through this prepared me for what is coming. I had so many questions about the failure of my marriage; they helped me find the answers,” said Ameen.
Despite the women’s enthusiasm about the group, Siraj believes using it wisely will not be easy. She wants people to understand she is not promoting divorce. “Some people think that I’m promoting divorce. By joining our group, you’re only trying to help yourself and help others to get over the experience. Divorce is not the end of life. It could be the beginning,” said Siraj.
“I know now that there are many changes happening and we’re moving toward a society that supports women more, so I want all institutions concerned with women to see how they can support women who come out of broken marriages.”
Siraj would like to see men organize their own support group. She said they might learn from their experiences and see if they had made the right or wrong choices.
“Maybe later on there might be an organization that takes care of all the support groups and comes up with solutions for both men and women. In Malaysia, for example, there is a required course for couples to attend before they marry. The course is about what the obligations of each one are toward the other in religion.