Q. My parents insist that I should marry the sister of my brother-in-law, but I feel that it is not right to do so. I have asked a learned scholar and he told me that the marriage of relatives in this way is not “useful.” She is 5 years younger than me and as I am still a student, I feel we are too young to marry. My parents would not accept any of these arguments. Please comment.
M. Israr, Peshawar, Pakistan
A. There are several points to consider in this question. The first is that of the arrangement itself. Our reader does not say whether his proposed marriage to the sister of his own sister’s husband is part of a deal between the two families, whereby a daughter of each family is given to the other in marriage. Such an arrangement means that our reader’s sister marries a man from that family and the sister of that man marries our reader. If that is agreed as an exchange marriage, then the whole matter is not valid. Neither marriage would have any validity, because the arrangement treats the two women as goods that may be exchanged or bartered one for the other.
If no such arrangement was agreed or suggested or contemplated at the time of the first marriage, and the second comes only as a result of the two families getting to know each other better, then that is acceptable.
Marriage between relatives is permissible in Islam, provided they are not closer than cousins. It is permissible to marry one’s cousin, but not one’s nephew or niece, or aunt or uncle. But if this is permissible it does not mean that it is encouraged or even desirable. When Islam permits such marriages, it does not give them any preference as some people tend to think. Indeed the reverse is true. The Prophet encouraged his companions to marry from other tribes, in order to cement relations in society. Besides, marriage between relatives could lead to weakening of offspring, particularly when it is repeated over several generations. Moreover, it gives a chance for regressive genes to produce their effect, leading to some hereditary health problems.
There are some hereditary diseases that spread in some communities, such as thalassemia. An important factor in disrupting such diseases is to refrain from marrying relatives. There are other precautions to be taken, of course, but unless marriage of relatives in such communities is drastically reduced, the disease continues to be passed on from generation to generation.
The last point is that with the age of the girl concerned. Our reader does not say how old she is. He is only telling us that he is studying in his 4th year in university, which means that he is probably 21 or 22, and she would then be 16 or 17. If so, then that is an appropriate marital age, but doctors advise that she should not get pregnant before her body is fully developed, which means completing 18 years of age.
One last point that I should say to our reader. He should not get married to this young lady or indeed to any woman, unless he is satisfied that she is the wife he wants. Parents may have their considerations, but ultimately, he is the one to be married, and if he does not like the girl they have chosen, it is unfair to the girl and to himself that he should marry her. What he could do is to try to persuade his parents to postpone the matter until he has established himself firmly in a good job, after graduation. In this way, he will postpone the matter for 2 or 3 years. He will then work slowly and gently on his parents to abandon the idea of marrying him to this girl. May God help him choose what is best.