Some of our newspaper columnists claim to be both outstanding and popular writers. They allege that they have countless readers and admirers, both male and female.
For the most part, these writers are liars. Not one single reader will normally read their articles beyond the first or second sentence.
The most common practice followed by these writers is to begin their weekly column with such sentences as “I received a number of letters about last week’s article.” but because of lack of time, there was no chance to read them. The columnist will apologize to the readers — who wrote asking for advice or offering congratulations — for disappointing them. The readers are promised that next week, answers will be forthcoming no matter how busy the columnist. Then the columnist opens a discussion of an imaginary letter that has been received. Usually the letter is attributed to a young female reader from Chicago — or any other city in a distant country — thanking her for her letter and appreciative remarks for the wise and witty column.
These columnists also resort to other tricks in order to curry favor with high officials and influential people. Their names are dropped regularly into the column. The columnist then says that various high-ranking officials have written to him commending his views on certain issues such as his clever suggestion of laying a pipeline directly from Mars to Earth to find a final solution to the problem of drought.
He will also claim that several leading officials have lauded his proposal to send a number of African laborers to clean orbiting satellites which broadcast pornography. When the editors of the newspaper finally decide to discontinue the column, the writer will then begin sending hundreds of letters, using fictitious names, demanding the resumption of the wonderful and well-informed column on the front page itself, beginning tomorrow!
20 August 2002
