Even the most confident woman feels jealous if her husband grows too close to one of his female colleagues. While the relationship may well be innocent for him, his wife may be unable to prevent herself from feeling jealous and distrustful.
The question that every woman asks is: Can a man and a woman ever be just friends? Experts say that it is in fact possible. But that shouldn’t prevent us from being on our guard in case those feelings are the beginning of something greater.
The problem here is that the man, who can see no harm in his relationship with his female colleague, believes that his wife is simply overreacting. The issue also becomes a source of confusion for the wife. On the one hand she wants to put a limit on her husband’s relationships, but on the other she wants him to live his life in a way that he sees fit, and that includes having female friends.
So how is she to react? In that situation the experts have this to say: If a man simply talks to another woman, that does not necessarily mean that he is attracted to her. And even if she has designs on him, they will not come to fruition unless the husband wishes it.
An American psychologist and marriage counselor affirms that “a woman must first and foremost have confidence in her relationship with her husband, and this will enable her to silence the demons within.”
The doctor adds that discussions about the matter and trying to explain the wife’s discomfort with the relationship will not achieve anything. In fact, what will happen is that the man will get angry because he will believe that his wife is attacking his friends. The wife should instead ask herself a few questions. What is it that makes her feel insecure in her relationship with her husband? What can she do for herself to make herself feel more secure? Has her husband given her cause to doubt him? After answering these questions there should be some discussion between the couple over their feelings and anything that is making the wife feel uncomfortable. But the third party — the woman friend — needs to be left out of the discussion so that it doesn’t escalate into a “me or her” issue — because in that case the ax might drop on the wife’s head. So beware.
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It is wiser for a man and his wife never to call each other a liar unless they have proof. Rather, they should both assume that any lie told by either one of them is told with good intentions or is a white lie — the purpose behind it being to conceal a fault in either party or in the marital relationship as a whole and to make the relationship appear in the best possible light.
For example, a husband may lie to his wife if he finds that honesty will not serve any purpose in a given situation. At other times the husband may find that he has to lie when he is feeling depressed — it is well known that husbands are the biggest liars. But he may not be lying on a grand scale, and his lies may not be intended to be cruel. They may simply be the kind that makes it possible for the relationship to withstand trouble and challenges from outside.
A husband may resort to lying to his wife as a means of deepening understanding between them — when for example he wants to avoid his wife’s anger. For example if she asks him whether a certain outfit makes her look fat then he will lie and say no because he loves her and for no other reason.
A man lies when he says that he didn’t look at the woman who just walked past. In doing so he is merely trying to create a balance between his marital relationship and the more than 40 million years of evolution that push him in quite another direction; he may have no choice if his wife hasn’t given him permission to use his eyes in a way that comes naturally.
A sad, depressed or disappointed husband may lie to his wife if she asks if something is bothering him. Men don’t like to seem weak in front of their wife. Women in turn have to realize that their husbands prefer to suffer in silence and don’t want anyone pressing them about it, not even their own wife.
If a wife gets angry because her absent husband didn’t get in touch with her while he was away to ask after her well-being, he may lie and say he tried to ring but didn’t find her at home or couldn’t get through.
If a man who otherwise knows the importance of honesty and trust in marriage is confronted with questions about past romances, he should lie because this kind of information would only make the wife uncomfortable. A man also lies when on his honeymoon he tells his wife that he will never lie to her. This lie is borne out of the romantic haze that characterizes the beginning of their journey together — one which will be full of necessary lies.
- Arab News Features 5 September 2003