Will the time ever come when a woman will stop shouting about her inequality with man, stop participating in meetings and symposiums set up by women’s organizations to demand women’s rights and accept some kind of truce in the marital home?

Will the day ever come when women will be convinced that the answer to their marital problems is in their hands if they just stop treating their husbands as adversaries and get past their need to control them and instead display affection, mercy and leniency.

The book by Laura Doyle entitled “The Surrendered Wife: A Practical Guide to Finding Intimacy, Passion and Peace with Your Man” has been hotly debated because it asks women to cease endless quarrels with their husbands and start a calm dialogue, full of understanding and cordiality in order to arrive at a solution to marital problems that is acceptable to both.

The Women’s Rights movement has accused Laura Doyle of trying to return the women’s movement back to the 1950s and further that she wants women to return to blindly obeying men.

In reality this is not the case. A number of men and women consider the message that Doyle presents in her book as a peaceful one targeted at the smart woman who wants to safeguard her marriage and her rights without losing the love and respect of her husband. Perhaps this book was a surprise to women who have been used to Doyle being in the forefront of the women’s movement and a good example of a woman in control.

An in-depth study of her book would clarify that what she presents is a new type of control but in the form of surrender. Doyle says that the wife who chooses to surrender and wants to have control in the house must first learn how to take care of herself and overcome her desire for power and forget the myth of equality.

She adds that the surrendered wife must relearn certain sentences that she has deleted from the dictionary such as “I can’t” and “As you wish” and if she continues to follow this method, she will reduce her worry about many things and also get rid of her fear of the future.

The wife will also get more money and increased intimacy with her husband. With the husband back in control of married life, he will bear all responsibilities and consequently will cease scolding and criticizing. By giving up some of her responsibilities, the wife can also reduce some of the pressure on her and bring harmony back to the marriage.

So, will women surrender?

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Men and women often suffer from problems in their marriage. Interference by family and friends in solving these problems usually has the opposite and undesired effect of leading to separation and divorce. Here is a story that I received in the mail.

Manar and Murad were married for more than seven years, five of them happy. Then things changed and they began to argue about even the smallest things. Some eight months ago, Manar discovered that her husband Murad was having an affair with another woman. That relationship, however, soon ended and Murad returned to Manar. The arguments between Murad and Manar, however, continued and during one of them, Murad suggested that they consult a psychologist/marriage counselor. Manar agreed, and at the first visit as the three of them sat in a dimly-lit room, the counselor directed a question at both of them: What made them feel that their relationship was next to impossible?

The husband said that his wife criticized him constantly and found fault with everything he did. The wife said that her husband didn’t show any interest in her and that she wanted him to communicate more with her.

On the way home at the end of the first session, the couple realized that for the first time in years they were speaking frankly, each saying what they truly felt about the other. The husband asked his wife out to dinner at a restaurant that they had often visited during their courtship. A month after that first session after following the counselor’s directions, the couple attended a second session during which they discussed their relationship with him again. At the end of the visit, the counselor presented them with a paper on which he had drawn each of their family trees. Close scrutiny of the trees made them realize that both families suffered from instability, separation and divorce; they were both overcome with embarrassment.

The sessions continued and during each one, the couple revealed more and more things about themselves and other things — they felt that they were getting to know each other all over again. Slowly the marital relationship began to take on a new shape.

You must make the effort to meet your real wife, whose uniqueness and beauty may have been hidden by problems.

- Arab News Features 19 September 2003