Q. May I put to you the case of a young married couple who are devoted to each other. However, the husband does not like his wife’s parents because of their interference in his affairs, and he feels that they are unkind to him, trying to find fault with him. This has led to repeated tension and conflict between him and his wife. Despite the husband’s warnings, the wife continued to listen to her parents who apparently did not do anything to defuse the situation. Rather, they let it deteriorate to the extent that after one heated argument between the couple, the wife’s parents took her away and she has been with them for more than a month, making no contact with her husband. The husband has been advised by friends and others to divorce his wife, but he is unwilling to do that because he still loves her. However, he cannot bring himself down to take the blame for all the tension, which seems to be the objective of his wife’s family. Please advise.
Anarkali
A. Such a situation does not happen overnight. It is the result of an accumulation of trouble. And no party is usually free of blame. Everyone makes mistakes, and unfortunately when tension rises, people tend to think of the mistakes of the other party, without giving a thought for their better deeds. The writer acknowledges that at one stage he behaved in a way so that his wife’s parents would take it as an insult. Well, if he insults his parents in law, he cannot expect them to be very friendly to him. I can assure him though that both they and his wife understood why he did it, and were hurt by it. Therefore, if they and his wife are now taking a tough stand, it is because they feel that he was in the wrong. They are not likely to look at their own mistakes, in the same way that he does not give much importance to his mistakes.
In such a situation, it is always useful to resort to the method God has stated in the Qur’an: “If you have reason to fear that a breach may occur between a (married) couple, appoint an arbiter from among his people and an arbiter from among her people. If they both want to set things aright, God will bring about their reconciliation. God is indeed all-knowing, aware of all things.” (4: 35) The important thing in all this is that the intention of both husband and wife should aim to achieve reconciliation. With such an intention, they have God’s promise of guiding them to its achievement.
People often do not give any thought to this procedure and rush instead into divorce. Divorce is a very serious step and must never be taken without careful thinking. It should be the last resort that is taken only when everything else has failed. Arbitration by two wise people, one from each family, has the advantage of making reconciliation a family affair, with everyone trying their best to accommodate the other party. Moreover, in this way, the arbiters could easily overcome what either one of the couple will not compromise on their own. In the case of our reader, he feels that he must not make the first step, because it would end with him apologizing for something he does not feel to be wrong.
The wife’s parents may be adamant that without such apology, their daughter will never return to her husband. The arbiters could overcome all this in an amicable way that saves everyone’s face.