One of the consequences of having my e-mail appear in public is that besides receiving genuine responses to columns, I am subjected to a multitude of offers and solicitations.
Just this past weekend I received several proposals that would have made me a very rich man with very little effort. Sent from various sources in Africa, these individuals deemed me worthy and noble enough to be entrusted with some very large fortunes. I felt honored.
The first one was from a Fatima Rasheed from Zaire. Apparently her husband had been killed by mercenaries, leaving behind the sum of $82 million that she would like to put toward a noble cause. As an honest soul, I would be her conduit in setting up such a transaction, and naturally I would be entitled to 20 percent of the sum. That’s a cool $16.4 million, folks.
Wodi Martens is orphaned. His parents, white farmers in a very fertile country, were killed in Zimbabwe by Mugabe’s forces, after which Wodi fled with his aunt to Johannesburg, South Africa. But not before selling the family assets worth $38 million and depositing them in a bank in Holland. He offers me 25 percent of his fortune for re-arranging the transfer of these funds into his hands. I would be $9.7 million richer.
John Briggs from the UK, representing a “client” from Uganda, was left with £22 million on the sudden death of his client, who has left no next of kin. The money Mr. Briggs is holding has to be dispensed of somehow. And since “banking ethics”, as he puts it, do not allow such money to remain in the UK unclaimed for over five years, he is prepared to split the funds 70/30.
Very generous of him, since he gets to keep the lion’s share. I was to play the part of the next of kin. I had to check in the mirror to see if I could pass as one of Idi Amin’s lost cousins. For £6.6 million, I could impersonate a Chinese acrobat!
And finally, from Mariam Abacha, the widow of the late head of state of Nigeria, Gen. Sani Abacha. She must be really smitten with me, as she has sent me five e-mails in the last three days. Pity her husband isn’t alive. Maybe she would have persuaded him to appoint me minister of finance or something.
And she is rich! With a fortune totaling $282 million, she is so impressed by my honesty that she is prepared to turn over 20 percent of her funds and a steel plant in Russia if I were to be of assistance.
I suppose being a steel magnate and with a bank account of over $56 million is the next best thing to becoming a finance minister.
And while these e-mails can be a nuisance, at least they are far more entertaining than those asinine ones that promise me a date with Britney Spears or politely inquire if I would like to augment my breasts naturally.
