As you’ve watched these Olympic Games unfold, a nagging question you have no doubt asked yourself many times, as an American, is: Does the US water polo team have an Official Bottled Drinking Water?

Don’t be an idiot. This is the Olympics! Of COURSE our water polo team has an Official Bottled Drinking Water. According to a press release, the team chose “Penta” brand bottled water, because, quote, “They gave us money.”

No, sorry, that’s the real reason, which is never actually stated. The press-release reason is that Penta — unlike whatever pathetic loser water YOU are drinking — “is an ultra-purified drinking water that undergoes a rigorous 13-step purification process, which includes a patented physics process that gives the water unique properties.” The release states that this was the brainchild of “Penta inventor and CEO William D. Holloway.”

That’s right: This man INVENTED WATER. Picture the scene. It’s late at night. William D. Holloway is sitting in his laboratory, thinking. Suddenly, he has an idea: “What if I combined one atom of oxygen with ... TWO atoms of hydrogen? It seems crazy, but it just might work!”

How do the athletes feel about Penta brand water? The press release quotes US water polo player Brenda Villa as saying, in the frank and totally believable style of speech that people use in press releases: “With our crazy schedule, quality drinking water is essential in our daily life, so it is natural and very beneficial to have a water sponsor like Penta.”

As an American, I am going to drink 75 gallons right now.

Speaking of which: The Official Soft Drink of the Whole Entire Olympics is Coca-Cola (or, as it is referred to in the metric system, “Pepsi”). The Official Junk Food is McDonald’s. The Official Credit Card That Is The Only Card You Can Use At The Olympics Which Annoys The Hell Out Of Everybody is Visa.

Some other official sponsors of the 2004 US Olympic team, which I am not making up, are:

— Sealy, the “Official Mattress Manufacturer.”

— Diamond, the “Official Nuts Supplier.”

— Bombardier, the “Official Snowgrooming Equipment Supplier.”

It is not clear why the 2004 US Olympic team, which is competing in Athens, which has the same average daytime high temperature as a pizza oven, needs snow-grooming equipment. The only thing I can think of is that snow grooming has been declared an official Olympic sport. Why not? It makes as much sense as “rhythmic gymnastics,” where the competitors run around waving a ribbon on a stick. And before I get a lot of irate mail from the rhythmic gymnastics people, telling me how much skill and discipline is involved in this “sport,” let me say: I’m sure it’s very, very hard. BUT THEY’RE WAVING A RIBBON ON A STICK, OK?

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The Olympics were canceled Sunday after the authorities determined that everybody involved, including the guy who shoots the starting pistol, is on drugs.

OK, it’s not that bad. But it’s not good, either. There have been many subtle yet disturbing signs that the use of performance-enhancing substances is widespread:

— Both the track AND the field are littered with syringes.

— Urine samples routinely burst into flames.

— Slow-motion videotape analysis of sprint races has shown that some top runners are using as many as five legs.

— The gold medal in the equestrian jumping event was won by a Swiss athlete who, tests later showed, did not use a horse.

Every day, more top athletes are expelled for drug violations. This has taken its toll on the quality of the competition, as dramatically evidenced by the men’s high jump, where, even at the lowest height, none of the competitors could get over the bar, forcing officials to award the gold medal based on a limbo competition. (The winner was Bob Costas.)

But before you get too cynical about the Olympics, let me stress that not ALL the athletes are taking performance-enhancing drugs. Some of them appear to be taking performance-reducing drugs. I refer here to the US All-Star Billionaire Men’s Basketball Team. There was a time when the United States always won in basketball. Sometimes, just to make it competitive, we’d send a team consisting of only four players to the Olympics, and they STILL kicked international butt.

But in this Olympics, our men hoopsters have been playing like — to use the Greek word for it — tipiyokti. First, they lost to Puerto Rico, which is ridiculous, because Puerto Rico is basically the 51st state. It’s like losing to New Jersey.

But then the US men lost to Lithuania. Lithuania! I mean, I’m sure it’s a fine country and everything, but it has, what, 50 residents? I bet the Lithuanian gross national product is less than what the US men’s basketball team spends per week on sneakers. This is embarrassing, people! We’re America! The most powerful nation on Earth! The entire world hates us anyway! We should at least be able to derive some athletic benefit from this, in the form stomping the juice out of Lithuania.

Listen: If we let Lithuania beat us in basketball, it’s only a matter of time before France does. And if THAT happens, we basically have no choice but to use nuclear missiles. So I say that, in the interest of world peace, we stop messing around here. If our current basketball players can’t get the job done, let’s get some players who can. Like, maybe we can buy the Latvian team. Or, if there’s some Olympic rule against that, we could at least send in an American who knows how to win.

That’s right: I’m talking about Bob Costas.