Every wife likes to be reassured of her husband’s fidelity. She would like to conduct a series of tests to confirm his love for her. The tendency, obviously, becomes a serious problem when it goes beyond the limit of toleration and reaches the point of wrecking the relationship.
Kareema’s problem was that she was not sure if her husband returned her love with the same intensity she felt for him. In the very first year of her married life, a feeling that her husband did not care for her began to haunt her. The disturbing thought prompted her to start testing the depths of his love.
The results, which proved her doubts baseless, never satisfied her. So she devised more and more methods of testing with the hope that one day the tests would confirm her worst suspicions.
Most psychologists are of the opinion that a woman can free herself from the compulsive tendency to suspect her husband by starting a discussion on the issue with him. Psychologists in general consider a frank discussion between the two as a magic potion that dispels most problems and misunderstanding. They will discuss the thorny issues that cause pain to both, apart from going into the minute details of their lives. If the wife finds her husband incapable of expressing his affection and concern for her, she will have to recognize the fact that he grew up in an environment in which exhibiting one’s emotions was not permitted.
To make things worse, Kareema was the type of person who believed that she should not show much concern for others even if the person were her husband. Her growing need for attention from others on the one hand and her husband’s inability to express his true emotions on the other were the two factors that led to her suspecting his loyalty and made her start using different tests to find out the truth.
When the tests went beyond a reasonable limit, the husband found himself in an extremely embarrassing situation, particularly in front of his relatives and friends. He demanded her to tell him honestly when she felt any change of feelings about him so that both of them might be spared the agony and eventual suffering which might well include the collapse of their family life.
Experts on marital relations advise couples, particularly wives, not to wait for the man to make the first step toward frank discussions. She can also prepare the ground for the man to open his mind in a peaceful atmosphere such as preparing two cups of tea and asking the husband to sit with her and then speaking about the annoyance and boredom which he has started to express lately, particularly in her company. The wife should also speak about the haunting suspicions plaguing her. The progress in peaceful talks will thaw the ice and bring their relations back to their old normal state.
Happiness, the greatest blessing in our life, often cannot be found when one seeks it. It comes when we are not looking for it. A friend told me that it is like a shadow that follows a man. When he tries to catch the shadow, it eludes him. Happiness hides somewhere in the depths of a man’s heart. He may search for it all his life in the outside world but will not find it because it exists within him; it is like the love a person looks everywhere for in vain because it is within his own heart and flows out at an unexpected moment. It comes, however, only when all the circumstances are right.
Happiness or love will come only to people who deserve it and have prepared favorable ground for it. People agree with Aristotle’s view that happiness is relative. “When people look for happiness each one of them finds a different kind of happiness.” In other words, the types of happiness and the number of people looking for it are the same. The ancient philosopher also thought that happiness depended on the person concerned and not on others.
Taking the opposite view, Saint Augustine, another ancient philosopher, thought that a person’s happiness was dependent on the happiness of those around him. Or in other words, a man achieves happiness by helping others achieve it. This is the case with love as well.
In my view, happiness is a state of harmony between man and his environment. How many times does a man wake up from sleep with a warm feeling of happiness though he does not know why he feels like that. It is a feeling of harmony with the environment that produces happiness. The reverse is also true. When a man feels that he has lost that harmony, he lacks the feeling of happiness. Happiness is a changing state that will come and go. It is a kind of mental climate. While the climate has a strict order of sequence such as summer followed by fall, winter and spring in the course of a year, the change in happiness can occur in a matter of days or even hours.
* * *
Reports of beauty contests are on the increase these days. The organizers invent new contests such as finding the most beautiful infant. It is also usual these days to have contests to choose the most beautiful girl in a university or a club. Even divorced women are given a chance to compete for the title of the most beautiful divorced woman.
A recent media report from China, however, beats them all. Preparations are under way in China — with a population of 1.3 billion — to find the most beautiful old woman; only those aged 55 or above will be allowed to enter the contest. A panel of judges has been appointed and the terms and conditions for the contestants and the method of selecting the queen are being drawn up.
In most beauty contests the terms and conditions for winners are based on the external appearance, such as facial features and the body shape. The participants’ IQ and general knowledge are also considered. One wonders if the same specifications will be applied to the old women.
The event is expected to attract great public attention in the country. In the past, Chinese authorities never allowed beauty contests on moral grounds. It was felt to be against the country’s moral values. A change in public attitudes, however, has occurred and the authorities have granted permission for the contest. The emphasis on the old may be due to the fact that 10 percent of the Chinese people are above 60.