JEDDAH, 18 August 2005 — Many Saudi couples sailing the sea of marital discontent might be wiser to say “I want to work things out with you” three times before considering the “I divorce you” alternative.
Despite a 50 percent divorce rate in the Kingdom, trained marriage counselors often sit idly by as couples leery of seeking help see their love boats dashed against the rocks.
Traditionally, couples refused to seek help as a result of social and cultural influences. Today, according to an official source, couples are more willing to speak out about their problems with a professional.
However, the numbers seeking help are still low while divorce rates are high. According to a two-year-old law, any couple seeking a divorce from Saudi courts must first work with a marriage counselor before the divorce is granted.
A marriage counselor explained that marital problems in the Kingdom fall into five categories. First, problems that are caused by superstition which includes the evil eye, black magic and such. Second, through disagreements that come from different conceptions of how things should be or get done. The third category is family interference in the form of overprotection or domination. The fourth is personal differences, such as one person growing up spoiled and expecting the same treatment from their spouse. The fifth is corruption, which means drug or alcohol abuse, womanizing, and so on.
A family’s reputation, moral codes and etiquettes are extremely important in Saudi society; therefore, any act to jeopardize these standards is frowned upon.
Arab News contacted a large number of people and found that many Saudis simply know, when it comes to family issues there are certain social “rules” they are supposed to follow. They do not have to be written or spoken — they are generally known, as one Saudi put it, as “unspoken codes.”
One of these codes dictates that what happens in the house stays in the house.
“You are hurting your family and husband’s pride when you tell others of problems or issues that are happening at home,” said Sara, an older woman married for more than 20 years. “You can be having problems with your husband at home, but once you leave the house you have to put on an act for the people outside. This is for my sake and my husband’s.”
To many “keeping it in the family” means that visiting a marriage counselor is breaking this unspoken code, so they don’t go to counseling. Many couples who spoke to Arab News expressed concerns about what others may say about them going to a marriage counselor. “I’m sure people will understand the need of a couple going to a counselor,” said a newlywed, “but that doesn’t mean they won’t still talk about you going to that counselor, and about how that is letting out all your family secrets.”
Other couples choose not to visit a marriage counselor because they see their problems as something that must be solved between husband and wife. Outside interference is neither necessary nor will it be helpful.
Some married couples insisted that if they could not work things out between themselves, there was no way a counselor who would be a stranger to them both would be able to solve their problems.
Many still believe this is the “code” that couples today live by. However, the official source noted that more couples are willing to speak out about their marital problems today.
The older generation is still conservative and traditional while the younger generations are more open to the idea of outside help. With more influences from different parts of the world and the media, people are beginning to view traditional codes and values differently.
“People are used to the idea of marriage counselors,” said a professional marriage counselor with 25 years of experience. “They see it as a necessity. That is unlike the past, when people held more traditional beliefs.”
There are many experienced marriage counselors in Saudi Arabia, and they are available to those who want them. Costs are not a great issue as almost all marriage counselors are willing to help for free. All they ask as their reward is “God’s blessing,” one marriage counselor said.
One of the leading establishments for social services is Mawaddah Social Center in Jeddah. It is setting the bar by providing continuous informational programs on marriage and family matters. In addition, anyone of any nationality who has family or marital problems can receive top-of-the-line help and advice for free.
With 60 percent of all family court cases now being divorce cases, Saudi couples need to start accepting outside help before turning to divorce. Marriage counselors are there to help. All couples have to do is ask, and they may find smooth sailing ahead.
