It’s only natural that parents who believe in family unity should share the responsibilities of marriage, including bringing up and looking after their children. What I don’t understand is that bringing up children in Saudi society seems to be primarily the mother’s responsibility.
The father simply enjoys the company of his children without making any attempt to help or assist his wife. Too many fathers expect everything to be done by their wives and for such men, the father’s role is limited to watching the children play, joking with them or taking them out somewhere for them to amuse themselves. That is unfortunately the extent of some men’s relationship with their children.
This role that our local culture defines is an incomplete one. A traditional father may lack any special bonds with his children except that he buys them what they need. The fact of putting food on the table does not transform a man into a father. Anyone with a good heart and a generous nature could financially help a family and buy them what they needed. The father’s real role is to make the children feel that they are his family and in order to do so, he must discover their problems, help them find solutions, talk to his children and become an older and wiser friend to them. It baffles me how sometimes women or mothers are the ones who differentiate between the mother and the father in taking care of children. Some of them believe that it’s torturing and tiring for the husband to change his daughter’s clothes or to feed his son.
I once heard a man on the radio complaining that his brother was in distress, urgently needing a maid but he was unable to afford one because visa prices were high and recruiting maids was a hassle. In spite of the issue of maids and visas, the brother who was talking live on the radio felt that he had every right to consider what his brother was doing was socially unacceptable. It’s enough that he supplied food and took care of his children’s needs while his wife — the children’s mother — was sick. The radio hostess sympathized with the complainer and believed that his brother was truly experiencing a painful trauma.
Honestly, I believe that this is a fabricated and inaccurate situation if we think carefully about the father’s true role in the lives of his family and children. Many fathers live with their children and bring them up, whether with the help of the mother or in her absence for certain reasons. These fathers believe that they are responsible for their children and they don’t allow maids in their homes. I know of fathers in some countries who stop working for a while, dedicating their time to their children’s upbringing. They might live on small salaries or government assistance for children, yet they live happily, looking after their children providing them with the love and care they need and managing their big and small affairs.
It’s rather funny that when we go to amusement parks we rarely find a Saudi father playing and laughing with his children. If we happen to come across one, we find him screaming and yelling at his children every time they do something that doesn’t suit his mood or burden him with responsibility. On the other hand, we find non-Saudi fathers playing with their children, fixing their clothes, and caressing their hair lovingly and peacefully.
The Saudi father is the victim of cultural traditions that made him almost an outsider. His relationship with his children is extremely limited whereas the mother is the one doing everything and playing all the roles alone. If the mother is not around, the maid is the only possible and capable alternative for accomplishing the mission.
It’s worthy of mentioning that depriving the father of his right to participate in the upbringing of his children and confining his role to watching them from a distance is one of the factors that causes violence against children. There are many cases published in different newspapers about fathers who murder their children because the children were disturbing and annoying him. Anger and resentment are produced because he believes caring and looking after children is not his duty. Therefore, he tends to use violence, as it is the most convenient means for him and his mindset.
Boys grow up accustomed to the father’s violence and behave the same way when they themselves become fathers. They habitually use the same methods with their own children, believing that this is the perfect example for bringing up their children. And because we lack guidance and awareness programs and the idea of father’s dominance is deep-rooted in our society, it’s not reasonable to expect that men will rise above this. Behavior patterns are passed on from one generation to the other and perhaps every new generation becomes more violent.
We wish that educational and childcare experts and specialists in the country would focus on creating awareness programs to educate fathers about the importance of their roles in their children’s lives. They must know how important it is for them to participate in bringing up their children, to care for them and to nurture them psychologically, emotionally, mentally and physically along with the help and support of the mother. They must understand that by doing these things they become worthy of praise and respect instead of being only symbols of sympathy and sorrow.
— Dr. Maha Al-Hujailan is a medical researcher at King Khaled University Hospital in Riyadh.
