Special is a special word. It’s one of those words whose meaning is helpfully ambiguous. When applied to furniture, it’s meaning is clear. A special order is something made to measure, just for you, to your specifications. But when applied to relationships, it can mean anything at all.

For instance, between a man and a woman a special relationship can sometimes mean “close”, other times it can mean “weird”, or it can mean normal rules don’t apply.

So I am especially glad that George W. Bush has clarified for the world at large what special actually means. Are you ready folks? Here it is: You enjoy a special relationship with someone if you invite them over to your home for a hamburger. Not just any old hamburger mind you, a “nice” hamburger. Finally!

I’ve been waiting for years to understand what the famous “special relationship” between Britain and the US actually means and now I do. George W. Bush and Gordon Brown enjoy a special relationship because their relationship is personal enough for Bush to invite Brown to eat a nice hamburger with him. Presumably other world leaders aren’t special enough for hamburgers, perhaps they get fobbed off with Marine Lobster Bisque or Elysian Farm Lamb or other such dishes, especially concocted by the chefs in the White House for visits by nonspecial guests.

Oh dear, all those disappointed world leaders! Never fear, I have a tip for all those aspiring to receive an invitation to eat a hamburger at the White House. Practice in front of the mirror saying the following sentence with a straight face: “The world owes President George Bush a huge debt of gratitude for leading the world in our determination to root out terrorism”.

Yes, yes, trust me it works. Be sure to emphasize just how grateful we all should be that Iraq has been destroyed, that being a Muslim has become synonymous with being a terrorist among many of President Bush’s compatriots, particularly those manning his immigration counters, that Gaza has become... Oh the list is so long, just fill in your own words for George Bush’s achievements in his two terms of office and let him know how grateful you are just like Gordon Brown did.

But come November there will be a new president-elect, oh dear oh dear, how will that special relationship work? Praising the previous incumbent’s achievements might not take you very far. You could try talking shared values and common history; it is after all the basis of friendships. But will it be enough?

Gordon Brown made sure he met with all three presidential candidates on Thursday. Each was treated equally without a hint of favoritism, after all we can only decide who qualifies for “special” when he or she has been elected president, until then it is wise to hedge your bets.

First he met Barack Obama. With whom Churchill was evoked. Apparently Obama is distantly related to Winston Churchill and once sat in Churchill’s chair in 10 Downing Street.

Then he met with Hillary Clinton, an old acquaintance for Brown. Here Hillary’s Welsh grandmother was useful as the two could exchange banter on Wales. Did you know Wales just won the six Nations Rugby Championship? Brown asked. Oh that would make my grandmother very proud, Mrs. Hillary answered.

Finally John McCain was ushered in. Here all it took was a painting on the wall to start off a conversation about World War II generals.

And the continuation of the special relationship between Britain and the United States of America was assured.