NEW DELHI, 17 February 2003 — The only time the Indian team laughs these days is when it is chasing lions for Pepsi. And what a laugh it is! Pepsi, and about a million other advertisers, seemed to have been in a mild sense of panic before the India-Australia match, judging by the way the ads were chasing each other on television. It was as if they were not going to get another chance to show the ads, since no one would want to watch another match played by India in the World Cup. Who can blame these companies?

Before we proceed, I have to enter a formal protest against the television coverage of Saurav Ganguly at the crease. TV should not be allowed to do any replays of Saurav’s batting, or playing, or swishing, or whatever it is he is doing after he wins the toss. Slow motion replays should be totally banned. It is embarrassing to watch the Indian captain go back and forth when the ball is in some other district. In fact these TV sadists should be ordered to show Saurav only in fast forward mode, so that he is a constant blur, and no one ever gets to find out what he has actually done on the field.

Also, Saurav should never be at the crease when Sachin Tendulkar is batting. The distance between them is more than 22 yards. Saurav, unlike Sachin, is the only top batsman in the world who can regularly convert a wide into a slip catch. And then when someone catches the ball Saurav stands and blinks, as if he has been personally injured by a malignant destiny.

This attitude is infectious. Yuvraj Singh has this I’ve-been-cheated virus as well. But then Yuvraj can be forgiven. His mother is watching. Sehwag, I think, has got his priorities right. He knows that obedience works. If the boss can convert a wide into a catch, well, so can he. Can’t upstage the boss. Bad for career.

When they call Rahul Dravid a sheet anchor, they don’t half know what they are talking about. When Rahul drops anchor it stays dropped. It also drops in front of his feet, which is why his feet don’t move after that. One run off 21 balls... The Rahul anchor is the kind that should be proudly displayed at a Greek maritime museum. And someone should tell Rahul to get married. That is the only way I can think of to get him out of the clutch of maidens.

During one phase of the match, India had scored five runs in seven overs for three wickets. No, make that four wickets. Yuvraj got out too. Or 5. Number 5 was Mr Kaif and the Hook that Shook the Cook.

So here is the top order of India’s batting lineup. One batsman, one footballer, one mimic, one anchor, one mama’s boy, one hooker. The rest are also-ran, half of who try hard to run themselves out.

By the way, why were we Indians all laughing so uproariously at Bangladesh the other day?