Pick a scandal, any scandal. And “Nannygate,” entailing felony tax fraud, 3 to 5 years in jail, and fines of $250,000, was the least of it.

Bernard Kerik, former head of New York City Corrections and former police commissioner, protégé of former New York Mayor Rudolph Giuliani, and 9/11 “hero,” had many scandals to choose from: A mother he claimed was a murdered prostitute; an illegitimate child he abandoned, along with her Korean mother; a secret first marriage (making a total of three) Kerik failed to acknowledge even in his autobiography; friends with organized crime ties who gave Kerik costly gifts and cash “donations” which Kerik failed to report; illicit “torrid” affairs, one with a married Corrections officer who’d worked for Kerik, and another with Kerik’s book agent-editor-publisher while Kerik himself was married. Far from being discreet, Kerik and his Corrections lover were named in at least two federal lawsuits by Corrections employees claiming Kerik retaliated against them for “crossing” Kerik’s lover.

Did the White House know? It would be extraordinary if they didn’t. “I expect that lawsuit to be dismissed,” Kerik announced, implying the claims were baseless. Maybe. But an earlier similar lawsuit implicating Kerik and his lover was settled for $250,000 — hardly “go away” money.

Surely the White House knew about that.

Did the White House know Kerik’s publisher-lover allegedly claimed he’d stalked her when she ended their affair? And how about the arrest warrant issued for failing to honor a subpoena?

Then there’s that oh-so-timely $6 million stock payout from Taser, a stun gun company on whose board Kerik sits; and his seat on the board of CamelBak Products, Inc., a joint venture between Giuliani Partners (including Kerik) and Bear Stearns Merchant Banking which has sold at least $16 million in goods to the US government, including the Homeland Security department President Bush wanted Kerik to head. Bear Stearns and Giuliani Associates reportedly have a joint $300 million investment deal in play.

Poor Martha Stewart rots in jail for a whole lot less ...

Kerik might actually have survived any one of these scandals. But all of them? “It’s like if you have a six-shooter,” explained NBC commentator Lou Colasuomo. “Any one bullet might kill you. All of them certainly will.”

To Bush, Giuliani reportedly offered an apology, and White House spokesman Scott McClellan affirmed: “I don’t think the president felt that one was necessary.”

Really? Why not? Maybe because Kerik provided distraction from embattled Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld, whose theories on military downsizing took such a public razzing two weeks ago that even Mississippi Republican Sen. Trent Lott suggested that Rumsfeld might retire soon.

Thank you, Kerik!

Rumsfeld, after a short regrouping, is still holding his own, despite admitting that his staff uses an “autopen” — a mechanical copying device that simply duplicates his actual signature — to sign condolence letters to the families of US soldiers who die in Iraq.

Kerik did less well.

But Bush has no problem with either man. “Listen — I know...Secretary Rumsfeld heart.... And he is...a good decent man. He’s a caring fellow,” Bush haltingly insisted in his Dec. 20 press conference. At the same conference, Bush declared, “I was disappointed that the nomination of Bernard Kerik didn’t go forward.”

Really? “Disappointed?”

Absolutely. “I think he would have done a fine job as the secretary of Homeland Security,” Bush elaborated, “and I appreciate his service to our country.”

Without explaining what Kerik’s national “service” allegedly was, apart from his actual job as New York’s police commissioner and a short-lived three month stint in Iraq supposedly training Iraqi troops, a group Bush admitted in the same press conference were actually unfit for battle let alone internal national policing, Bush then credited Kerik’s “FBI background check” and “our (White House) counsel ask(ing) a lot of questions” for supposedly prompting Kerik to withdraw himself from consideration.

But Bush is disingenuous. Kerik didn’t withdraw because he had a moment of truth during any FBI or White House “vetting.”

Kerik withdrew only after receiving a telephone call from a New York Daily News reporter informing him the paper would be breaking a front-page story on his colorful lifestyle.

“I’ve got great confidence in our vetting process,” Bush chuckled.

Why? Neither the White House nor the FBI caught a thing about Kerik. Or if they did, it mattered nothing to them.

Kerik was “outed” by the press. Who’s guarding the henhouse, let alone the safety of the free world?

Now that is a scandal!