It is a requirement when a man marries more than one wife that he should treat his wives equally. It is well known that Islam allows a man to marry a maximum of four wives at the same time. Fairness in their treatment is a condition for the permissibility to marry more than one wife. This condition cannot be waived, unless one of them decides, out of her own free will, to relinquish part of her rights or privileges. If she does so, her husband may accept this from her as a gift. Fairness, however, applies to treatment. It does not apply to love and feelings. A man may love one of his wives more than the others. This is beyond his control, but what is within his control is not to allow his feelings to dictate his treatment making it more favorable to the one he loves best. To do so is unacceptable and may make the man subject to punishment.
The Prophet (peace be upon him) was a model of fairness. He never dealt with anyone unfairly in any situation. Needless to say, his fairness was seen even more clearly in his home, particularly in his treatment of his wives. Abd Al-Rahman ibn Al-Harith reports: “When the Prophet married Umm Salamah and she moved into his home, he said to her: ‘You are in a good position with your people. If you like, I will be with you for seven nights together, and stay with each of them (i.e. his other wives) seven nights. On the other hand, I can stay with you three nights, and stay three nights with each, if you so prefer.’ She said: ‘Make it three nights.’” (Related by Malik, Muslim, Abu Dawood and Ibn Majah.)
We note how the Prophet begins his offer to his new wife, saying to her that she is in a good position with her people. This means either a recognition that she belonged to a good family where she was well treated, or that she will always be in such a position in her new family, with him as her husband. Thus, the offer he was making her was to honor her and give her the choice that suited her best. The offer gives her no preferential treatment. She could not expect, as the new wife, to have her husband all to herself for any grace period after her marriage. It was the morning that followed the wedding, according to the Hadith itself. She could choose the length of his stay with her each time, but it could not be more than one week at a time. Whatever she chose, she would expect that he would stay the same with his other wives.
The reason for making it thus is that a woman would not be staying for a long period without her husband if he is married to others. We note that Umm Salamah chose three days each time. Again this was for the same reason. If she had him staying a week with her, she would be without him for several weeks. By the time he had his nine marriages, this would mean that her turn would be every nine weeks. Hence, she chose three days. The ruling in such a situation is that a man may decide to stay with each of his wives up to three nights at a time, even though one or more objects to this arrangement. He cannot decide to stay longer than three nights with each unless they all willingly accept.
This ruling takes into consideration the personal needs of the parties concerned as well as practical circumstances. If one is married to two wives, each of whom lives in a different town, he can make the arrangement that is most suited for his business and their comfort, agreeing with them to stay with each whatever period they all agree on, provided always that he maintains fairness between them. If they live in the same town, he may make it one, two or three nights with each, or even longer provided they all agree. Fairness is again required.
What if a man needs to travel and he cannot take more than one wife with him? The Prophet provides guidance on this situation. Lady Ayesha reports: “When the Prophet wanted to travel, he drew lots between his wives. Whoever is drawn was the one to go with him on that travel. When he was in town, he assigned to each one her day and night. However, Sawdah bint Zam’ah gifted her day and night to Ayesha, hoping to please the Prophet.” (Related by Al-Bukhari and Muslim.)
Again the Prophet dealt fairly in this situation where he would inevitably be with one wife for several days or weeks. He did not choose any, nor did he make it in turn because he could not envisage whether he would need to travel enough times to give every one her chance. Therefore, he relied on drawing lots. They all agreed as this is the fairest method in such a situation. The Hadith also mentions that Sawdah gifted her round to Ayesha. Sawdah was the eldest among the Prophet’s wives. She was a mature woman who had married before him, and she was the first he married after Khadeejah. When she realized that the Prophet loved Ayesha best, but treated her on equal footing with his other wives, she made a gift of her own round to Ayesha, only to please the Prophet. This means that a wife can, out of her own free choice, relinquish some of her marital rights. If she does, her husband may accept this gift and act on the basis of the new arrangement. She may make such a gift conditional or leave it without conditions.