My students and I were having a conversation about how they usually spend their free time. Some mentioned watching TV, others going shopping or playing sports. But one uttered: “I don’t have any free time because my grandmother, who lives with my family, constantly demands my company.” It doesn’t matter if she is doing housework, studying, cooking or reading. The old lady calls out for her, if no one else is around, and expects her to leave whatever she is doing and sit with her because she does not want to be left alone even for a short time. Therefore this young lady does not have any time for herself. She must always be available to bring her grandmother tea, explain to her the plot of the TV movie she is watching, listen to her complaints about her health, massage her limbs and…so on and so forth. Certainly not a pleasant situation, is it? Yet poor A. does not have the courage to rebel against such “abuse.” She just accepts it with a smile, certainly resenting the situation in the deep of her heart.
Here I found two main features to reflect upon: “Selfishness” and “resignation.”
I wonder: Is it possible for a person to be selfish to the extent of not seeing the distress she (or he) is causing to another? Not to even care about how the other may feel? To totally neglect the other person’s desires and needs? Yes, it is possible and it seems it happens more often than imagined. Many are the human beings who find themselves in similar situations, and even worse ones, where they do not dare to rebel against an abusive situation. Abuse presents itself in different forms, but – no matter what they are – it always implies a psychological situation where one is the “dictator” who imposes his/her will, and the other is the “victim” who takes orders, impositions, often humiliation from a more powerful individual. Therefore, on one side we have the tyrant, the one who feels in control because no one has the guts to confront him (or her), on the other you find the timid, caring person who does not want to hurt anybody’s feelings, or who is afraid of causing a negative reaction and, therefore, accepts her role as a victim, allowing the arrogant bully to get away with it, over and over again. Her life is hell and more often than not, the vexed individual ends up developing a serious illness.
I personally know of a case where a woman, the sweetest person in the world, having been compelled by her family to take on responsibilities that were not hers, meekly accepted the situation for quite some time. In spite of her kind and accommodating attitude, she “suddenly” (but it was not a surprise to me, though!) she was diagnosed with brain cancer and passed away after a few months. She had been obliged to stay in a situation she had not wanted, she felt that her wishes had been overlooked, yet she didn’t find the courage to rebel, to say “no.” She hid the natural resentment she felt and stored it in the deepest part of her heart. The “self” accepted it for some time, then it “rebelled” against the unnatural and unfair situation, and created a mortal imbalance in her brain cells. The (psychological) nature of psychosomatic diseases has by now been accepted by most scientists and physicians.
Do you know someone who finds himself/herself in such a situation? Do you possibly find yourself in a “similar” predicament, although not as serious? Beware, it might deteriorate till a breaking point is reached. The extremely selfish person continues to expect more and more from the meek who always says “yes.” Is there a solution? There certainly is and it’s not difficult either. The victim only needs to start saying “No”! Unlikely, you say? Only until you realize that it is your right to take position against an unfair treatment, until you accept the idea that “the other” does not have the right to impose their will upon you. It can be done. Many did, and succeeded. The problem is that some are unaware of their inner power and accept resignation as a state of being, as their “destiny.” They don’t know that “destiny” is something you create with your own hands, day by day, through your thoughts, beliefs and, consequently, with your words and actions.
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Creative Thinking: Selfishness versus resignation
