Jealousy is an inevitable part of human nature. I have written on it several times. And I am again compelled to do so because a young wife needs to cure herself of this component of her personality. It has made hell of her married life. Her letter is brief and direct.
"Please prescribe a medicine to cure the jealousy that haunts me every second of my life. I am jealous of everything that my husband admires or even looks at — such as photos of young women or models appearing in magazines or on television. I am attractive and educated and I believe that I possess what men want and admire. Our married life, however, has been poisoned by an unreasonable and uncontrollable jealousy."
She added that she trusts her husband but that she is so worried about her state of mind that she asked her husband to take her to a psychiatrist. He suggested instead that she seek my advice.
I wrote that jealousy can be seen as a means of guarding the object of one’s love. There will be no jealousy if there is no love. You want to keep the object of your love for you alone, for your exclusive possession. It is natural for one to fear the loss of a "possession." The sense of jealousy increases in proportion to our feeling of ownership and the fear of losing one’s possession. I pointed out to her that her husband was the object of her deep love and sense of ownership. The situation is further confounded by a lack of confidence on her part. In her case, there is no reason for her to lack self-confidence because she is beautiful, educated and has everything that most men want in a wife.
A jealous woman, in fact, always feels that she lacks something. No matter how educated and intelligent a woman is, her basic feeling of jealousy never leaves her. She feels jealous of models on magazine covers or on TV screens — even if she knows perfectly well that her husband will never meet them. A woman can be called truly educated and intelligent only when she understands this side of human nature and keeps the feeling within reasonable limits. It is not unknown for uncontrolled jealousy to wreck families and even lead to murder.
What I advise her is to look at the issue from a realistic standpoint instead of looking only at negative aspects. She knows that her husband is not the only man in the world and the models on magazines and TV are not even aware that he exists. She must control her emotions so that the feeling does not run away with her. She should also stop discussing the matter with her husband. If she continues to nag him with this irritating issue, he may be tempted to do things he never considered doing. This situation is comparable to accusing an honest housemaid of stealing whenever some article is missing. The constant accusations may lead to a situation in which she does steal because she knows she will be accused whether she is guilty or not. Any act that exceeds a tolerable limit may produce adverse reactions. Jealousy can be good if it is kept within reasonable limits. Beyond the limit, however, it often becomes a destroyer or even a killer. Remember Othello who was driven by jealousy to kill his beloved wife. Only when it was too late did he realize that she was as pure as the morning dew.
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LET me now write about another instance of suffering caused by different circumstances. A mother cannot be blamed for a sense of loss — or an imagined fear of loss — when her son one day leaves her to live with a girl of his choice. In the case presently before me, a mother-in-law is causing her son and his wife all kinds of trouble because she believes that the daughter-in-law is trying to involve herself with her father-in-law. In other words, the older woman thinks her son’s wife is trying to steal her own husband. This is what a young wife wrote to me. She is in fact married to her maternal aunt’s son. When the young wife visits her husband’s parents, her mother-in-law follows her every movement very suspiciously. The father-in-law is also subjected to the same observation. The old lady believes that her son’s wife is attempting to steal the old man away from her. The young woman wrote: "But he is like a father to me. I am a respectable woman who never even leaves the house without my husband’s permission. I have been enduring this agony for the past five years. I told my husband about his mother’s suspicion. Being a straightforward man, he discussed the matter with his mother immediately. She swore to him that she had seen his father and me exchanging suspicious looks on several occasions. Gradually the seeds of suspicion were sown in the hearts of all our relatives.
"The saddest thing was that my husband began to think that there might be something to his mother’s incessant accusations. I discussed the matter with him and again maintained my innocence. Finally, we both decided that I should not visit his parents’ house when his father is there. I kept to this for some time until my mother-in-law urged me to visit them whenever I wanted as she no longer suspected me of anything. After a few weeks, however, her suspicions surfaced again. After a few months, she fell ill and declared that I was the cause of it. This made my husband’s brothers and sisters regard me as dangerous, though my father-in-law swore in the name of God that there is nothing improper between him and me. My life is hell. Please help me."
I replied that her mother-in-law must surely be suffering from some serious mental disturbance. "She apparently also lacks self-confidence. Her growing older and losing her youthful good looks has made her increasingly suspicious. She fears that her husband will fall under the spell of your youth and beauty. Perhaps there is something in your father-in-law’s past that justifies her mistrust of him. The problem is deeply complicated. The best solution in your case is to stop visiting them until the atmosphere becomes clear. It is true that severing relations is not the solution but to avoid a future catastrophe, you ought to stay away from any place your father-in-law is. There is no point in discussing the matter with your mother-in-law as she is beyond all reason and logic. This is the kind of thing that will very likely continue until someone’s mind is changed or some of those involved die. This is not encouraging but it is the way I see it."
