The practice of forcing women to marry a cousin — and preventing them from marrying the man of their choice — is alive and well in the Kingdom, according to Sayyidaty, a sister publication of Arab News.
It does not affect only women but men as well, and no doubt contributes to the unhappiness of both.
This has unfortunate consequences for society because it often leads to divorce.
“I’m not the only one who has this problem,” Nawal, a 29-year-old graduate, told Sayyidaty. “There are plenty of other women who have had the same experience. I feel sad when I remember how many men asked me to marry them and how my father refused them all. He had no reason; he simply wanted me to marry a cousin. He parroted the famous saying, ‘Your cousin is better than a stranger.’ Well, suppose my cousin does not want to marry me? Suppose I feel no wifely love for him? Suppose he already has another girl he wants to marry? None of these questions count for anything with my father, and as a result I’m still unmarried and waiting. I do not know if any of my cousins will ask to marry me but for sure my father won’t change his mind. I’m trapped by this tradition as life passes me by.”
Sara graduated from university three years ago, when a relative on her mother’s side asked her to marry him.
“He was also a university graduate and I felt he was the person for me,” she explains. “At first, my father did not object and I was happy. Before the wedding, however, my father asked me to cancel everything. He said that his brother, my uncle, wanted his son to marry me and my father couldn’t say no to his brother. I tried to convince my father that I did not want to marry my cousin; my mother also tried to convince him. I told my father that my cousin did not want me and that he had not asked for my hand. In the end, the man from my mother’s family who had asked to marry me also tried to convince my father, but he failed as well. My father still has not changed his mind. He says I am reserved for my cousin. I have lost the chance to marry the man I wanted and no doubt, I will lose even more in the future.”
It is not only women who suffer; men also have their own stories.
Muhammad Abdullah is one of them.
“When I told my father I was ready to marry, he said, ‘Marry any of your cousins; they are preferable to a stranger.’ I told him that I had made my choice and I wanted to marry a girl that I had known for a year. We had talked a lot and we understood each other. My father told me he would not agree to my marrying that girl and I cannot marry without his approval because he has to go with me when I ask for her hand. That is our custom. I am now 32 years old and still single. The parents of the girl I love refuse to allow me to marry their daughter unless I have my father’s approval. They consider his refusal an unacceptable insult. My father tells me to marry one of my cousins first and then I can marry whoever I want to. I wonder why these traditions control our lives in the 21st century.”
Faraj, another young man, said: “I was about to go abroad to study for my master’s degree when my father asked me to become engaged to my 16 year-old cousin.”
“I tried to tell him that I was not ready to marry, but he refused to listen to me and insisted that I marry my cousin. I asked him to give me a month to think about it and test each other’s feelings but he will not agree. He told me that we had been intended for each other since birth. I promised him that I would marry her when I come home from the university for vacation. I came back after a year, intending to marry someone else rather than my cousin. But my father died, which was a terrible shock. According to tradition, I had to marry my cousin to keep the promise that I gave to my father before he died. I have no feelings for her but I married her because of the force of tradition.”
The final word comes from Maha, another woman.
“There is the tradition of keeping a girl for her cousin. The problem is that this tradition often pleases nobody, yet fathers never change their minds. Sometimes they want to keep the money in the family instead of sharing it with outsiders, who they suspect are only after the money. Sometimes they say that the family is socially below us. If a cousin is younger than me, they will accept him simply because he is a cousin. In fact, this is exactly what happened to me: I had to marry my cousin who was two years younger — simply because my father and my cousin’s father had agreed to the marriage. I later discovered that my cousin was in love with another girl and he had promised to marry her. My cousin does not love me and I feel nothing for him. This is the price for our tradition of marrying girls to their cousins.”
