JEDDAH, 23 March 2003 — It is not strange for a Muslim to marry a second or third wife. What is strange is when a wife herself seeks another woman to be her husband’s next wife.
Many women would doubt that there are in fact women who willingly play matchmaker for their husbands. But Sayidaty, a sister publication of Arab News, discovered that truth is really stranger than fiction.
Haya Al-Jaser said, “I have been married for seven years to my husband who is also my cousin. We had loved each other for a long time but in the first year of our marriage, I found that I could not have children. I went to many doctors and I took many medicines but to no avail. I love my husband because he has been patient and he has stood by me. I wanted him to have a child so I suggested he marry a second wife but he refused. After I insisted for a long time, he agreed to marry again but only on condition that I choose his second wife. I chose one of my relatives and she now has a baby. I am happy to see my husband so upbeat but I must admit that I fear he might leave me one day.”
Umm Khalid said that there were many good reasons for a wife to choose her husband’s second wife. “My husband is an old man. When he recently retired, he had nothing to do and so he caused a lot of problems at home. I could not take care of him because of my age so I decided to find another wife for him. My children and I rented an apartment nearby and he is now married to the woman I chose for him,” she said.
Hessa Muhammad believes that it is a man’s right to marry more than one woman. He should marry another one if his wife fails to take care of him. “We are a loving family. After years of marriage, we had five children. Suddenly, without any warning, my husband told me that though he loved me, he wanted a second wife since one was not enough for him! He said that he did not want to marry without my knowledge. I respected his wishes and I even chose the second wife. I do not fool myself thinking that this is normal; I am jealous of the woman and I will find a way to get rid of her,” she said.
Salma’s story is a bit different. She decided to ask her husband to marry her best friend because she was afraid the woman would never marry. She now regrets what she did. “I did it because I thought I was saving my best friend. Surprisingly, she is now trying to destroy my life and the future of my children. My husband has changed and he is never at home. I asked for a divorce because of the unequal treatment I get. Now I am sorry because it was all my fault.”
Umm Ahmad decided to find another wife for her husband after he insisted on one. “I started to search for a wife for him since I knew I could not stop him. I chose an orphan who was the age of my children so I could easily control her. Today, I feel that she is my sister. Yes, I am jealous of her because I am a woman but at least I have not lost my husband,” she said.
Umm Nasser, a matchmaker, tells a funny story of a woman who was searching for a wife for her husband. “I was surprised to see a woman in her 40s asking me for a girl to marry one of her relatives. She said there was only one condition — that the girl be fat and ugly. She insisted on this. Of course it is not difficult to find such women these days. When the man went to see the girl, he liked her and was ready to marry her. Then the woman who had come to see me became hysterical and began to cry. It transpired that the man was her husband but she was older than him.”
Umm Muhammad played a good trick on her husband to prevent him from marrying another woman. “My husband always threatened that he would marry another woman. He wanted me to ask one of my relatives if she wanted to marry him. I called her family and told them I was coming to visit them. I found out the girl was in her 20s and I could not say that I was coming to seek her for my husband. So I told them that I wanted her for my 17-year-old son. They then phoned my husband and told them that they could not agree to her marriage since she was still at school. Up to now, my husband thinks that I told them that I wanted her for him,” she said.
Dr. Suliman Al-Qahtani, a psychiatrist, said that this behavior was not in keeping with a woman’s nature. There are exceptions — such as women who cannot have children or who are sick. He explained that it may seem that a woman was acting out of love for her husband but actually she was doing it in an attempt to save a failing marriage. He pointed out that women do not want to leave their husbands because of the way society treats divorced women.
Women who find wives for their husbands may think that they are acting out of love but the reality is that there is a great deal of pain. Choosing another wife for one’s husband may lead to feelings of guilt and jealousy. Dr. Al-Qahtani advised women not to play matchmakers for their husbands for any reasons whatsoever.
