What is involved in getting married here? How is it done? From all the stories one hears, it is apparent that people get married according to traditional rules set long ago by their grandparents who in turn were following traditional rules. Tradition says that when a young man is willing and ready to marry, he tells his mother who begins the quest for a bride for her son. Most of the time, mothers search for a beautiful girl who fulfills certain expectations and specifications: physical beauty, nice hair, beautiful eyes, a good family.
Looking at outward appearances is the most important thing for mothers here; thus it becomes a major concern for the girl to look good and go to parties and weddings since these are places where mothers look for brides. At such gatherings, girls are on their best behavior — performing in fact — as they try to look pretty and fashionable. In short they play the role expected of them. After all, their main job in life is to get married and start a family, and this is how it all begins. The young man usually tells his mother what he wants in his wife and the mother begins the search.
Thinking about all this, I wonder why instead we do not remember the fact that our Prophet’s first wife, Khadeeja, chose him and actually proposed to him?
If someone says, as someone surely will, that our mothers and their mothers all got married this way, the response should be: Will that work for us in today’s society? Are no changes necessary? Over the years, people have changed a great deal. Many no longer live in small communities but in big cities where they know very little about each other. This brings up the question: How do they know each other well enough to marry?
I have heard stories in which the mother’s obsession with outward physical beauty has prevented young men from marrying for years. In one instance, the young man was waiting for his mother and sisters to find a girl they all agreed on, but as they imposed too many conditions he did not marry. In other cases, when the mother finally finds what she likes, the young man may not want what his mother has found.
Let us be clear: what is happening is that based too much on externals, two strangers are chosen for each other with no regard for compatible ideas, opinions and qualities that would appeal to the young couple. It seems that what is important is that the families be happy, with little thought given to the bride and groom themselves. If the engagement takes place, the bride and groom are allowed to sit with each other for a limited time during which they are always chaperoned. How natural can they be in such a formal atmosphere and under such a spotlight? Both of them are again performing! How well will they get to know each other before the knot is tied?
The wedding takes place, and the truth is that you have a couple who might or might not know each other very well. Everything depends on the individual families and cases. What results are to be expected from such a system? Our divorce statistics tell all. Have they not told enough? It is not a matter of breaking tradition so much as tweaking it to serve better or updating the system as we update our lifestyles.
I have heard of a man who married twice, complaining that his ideas of love had been disregarded. He said, “I always thought I’d marry someone I loved but now, after two marriages, I am unhappy and have not found the love I dreamed of.” He said that in neither marriage had he got to know his wife at all before the wedding and that had led to disappointment later.
A new trend has recently been noticed and it offers a possible alternative. Men and women have a chance to meet on the Internet. Without going into judgmental mode and denouncing this as is our way with most new trends, the fact is that some of these people actually get married and lead happy lives.
We need to ask ourselves: If Internet marriages work, maybe we should consider that there is a way of doing things so that men and women can get to know each other. Anything is better than simply looking for a handsome young doctor of whose character we know nothing or a young girl whose only recommendations are floor-length black hair and big green gazelle eyes.
