Someone once said, “the chain of wedlock is so heavy that it takes two to carry it — sometimes three.”
Doubting wives, not to mention doubting husbands have been around for so long that they have become a commonplace. What start off as endearing signs of love (anxiety about where the spouse has been, why he is late from work, who he met, etc.) in the early years of marriage, progress to possessiveness, acute bouts of jealousy and temper tantrums finally graduate to encroachment of privacy and breach of personal territorial boundaries.
An innocent conversation with a stranger on the street gets the spouse’s buttons and blinkers buzzing. A stray phone call, an unidentified message, a casual but familiar glance in passing can arouse suspicion of great proportions. Suddenly, the bed of roses vaporizes and in its place arrives a cartful of thorns. The romance vanishes, and the once-upon-a-time lovers fly in each other’s faces like furies recently released from some hellish abode.
Marriage becomes an obstacle to be overcome or survived; a stifling, ventless chamber, wherein poor souls feel tortured to the point of being suicidal. The result? Deep and relentless character assassination or continuous bickering that can end in separation, or worse, divorce.
But what went wrong for things to come to this? The early years of marriage are normally expected to be spent on building trust and confidence in each other. This partly depends on partners relying on verbal truth, corroborated by physical evidence. Trust also develops when both partners respect each other’s personal needs such as living space, hobbies or interests, sharing of household chores and generally being considerate of one another.
The best-matched couples usually are those who are understanding and cooperative, share similar interests, or at least show interest, and are willing to compromise as situations change. If husbands or wives suspects each other of carrying on behind the other’s back, they have only themselves to blame. Marriage is at greatest risk when communication between the spouses fails. Chinks in the armor allow for fatal intrusions, and it is not long before the worm of decay sets in.
Two once happily married people find themselves trudging between courts and through legal conundrums and washing their dirty linen in public. If there are children involved, then the fissures can be deep, unresolved and endless.
Yet the question still remains: Couldn’t this have been avoided? Two absolutely charming people driven to domestic warfare in full gaze and probably of relish to the neighbors. Perhaps it would be better to stop for a while and to take stock of things. Reason out the conflict, first with yourself, and then tactfully with your spouse avoiding the pitfalls of temper tantrums and placing your needs first. It would be wise to see the other’s point of view, too. The bond of marriage is not a strong enough shackle to bind two hearts and minds. The contract is just that: A piece of paper, meaningless in itself unless lived by its tenets.
The secret is to keep the romance alive. What was it that first brought you close to this particular individual from among the thousands who walk the earth? What made that person special for you? It takes two to tango — or tangle. Why has marriage torn you asunder? When was the last time you told her she looked charming or that she had cooked a wonderful meal? Likewise, when did you last compliment him on his choice of clothes, appreciate his newly grown beard (even if you had your doubts about it!) or buy him an expensive watch or perfume?
Both partners need appreciation from each other more than anyone else. We have to remember that we are getting on in years, so a strong sense of humor has to become an essential ingredient of a happy marriage. If you have progressed from a curvaceous Elizabeth Taylor-like beauty to the rotundity of a watermelon, remember he is no Elvis Presley, either. It would be wise to keep this in mind at all times! By all means, avoid being too judgmental or critical: We are, after all, only human.
So before a marriage turns sour, nip the evil in the bud. Friends and neighbors are good sources of comfort, but immediate family members are better shoulders to cry on, especially parents and grandparents. They not only provide relief and good advice but can also get a relationship back on its feet again.
Things can be sorted out gradually with patience, love and care, and above all, by being honest. So, to all those who are about to jump onto the marriage bandwagon or those already on it, bon voyage.
