JEDDAH, 5 April 2006 — A middle-aged couple sit down in a restaurant, order their meal and wait for the food to arrive. Instead of engaging each other in conversation, the pair silently scan the room for something that would entertain them during the wait. This is not an awkward scene in a movie, but a common sight in Saudi society.
“The lack of dialogue, or what we call ‘marital muteness’, between spouses is a kind of tepidity that couples suffer from after years of marriage,” said Badia Linjawi, a socio-anthropologist at King Abdul Aziz University.
Marriage is a relationship that is based on more than one element, one of which is fruitful communication. After a few years of marriage, life can become boring and both partners lose their interest in communicating with each other. The case becomes more common if they do not share the same interests and at the same time do not respect their different perspectives.
“Some spouses are stubborn and stick to their personal opinions in normal discussions without respecting the other’s opinion,” said Linjawi. “The discussion tends to be subjective, for each one is trying to convince the other with his or her opinion and force the other to apply it in their life. That causes a communication disorder.”
This marital muteness is the result of a new Saudi lifestyle, says Linjawi. In the older generation, women followed their husbands in their opinions and choices without disputes.
“In the new generation, women are more independent and persistent to play more than one role in their lives,” said Linjawi. “In addition to being wives, they are also working women that have their own convictions and ways of thinking.”
The lack of communication between spouses can threaten their relationship. It is basic for any couple that they resort to dialogue to solve all of life’s problems. “Lack of dialogue is the first sign that a marriage is not going to last,” said Abu Ammar, 34.
“When the husband or wife becomes self-centered and hears only their own voices without communicating with the partner to know what he or she thinks, it’s like two people speaking different languages.”
Consequently, Linjawi emphasized the importance of the pre-nuptial period, which allows both of them to explore their ambitions and expectations of their lives together. This would allow them to explore similarities and differences.
Maha Sulaiman shared with Arab News the experience of one of her male relatives. He got married at 24 to a girl who was 18. She came from a conservative family that did not allow her to talk to him more than once during their engagement.
Today, Sulaiman says that the couple tend to communicate through quarreling. Usually, she says, they brood silently, or the wife goes to her family’s house to avoid boredom.
“Now that four years have passed and they have a three-year-old daughter, they noticed that their life is not interesting since there is nothing common between them, that they think differently,” she said. “They continue their life together for the sake of the child.”
Linjawi explained that the basis of stable, consistent communication in a marriage is flexibility, understating, dialogue and love between spouses.
