There was a farewell dinner for a close Brazilian friend of mine last week and the topic of conversation turned to my last article in which I mentioned the seemingly all too abstruse virtually impossible phenomenon of there having been a Jew in my Riyadh living room. I narrated the subsequent fallout from this to my British friend who had been present during the original discussion.
“I was at an embassy this morning,” I began, “and a kindly diplomat who was helping me with some paperwork said, ‘I read all your articles but how much of what you write is actually true?’”
“You’re kidding?” said my friend.
“Had you not been there maybe you would have thought that I had made the whole thing up too but what people don’t realize is that, in Riyadh, fact can be stranger than fiction. What’s more is that our Jewish friend has been here three times in the past 18 months and do you know what?” I asked smarting at the accusation I was about to relate.
“What?” she asked.
“I received so much rubbish about how Jews are not allowed into Saudi Arabia. There was one e-mail that began, ‘The author is a liar and her friends were neither Jew nor Christian but Marxist and Communist!’ There is such confusion between religious and political issues. People have no concept about how there is no problem with Jews coming into the Kingdom, but that the issue lies with Israel. We can marry Jews for goodness sake!”
“Yeah,” said my friend. “A bit like the whole thing between Americans not being allowed to go to North Korea.”
“And do you know what? Loads of people have made the facile point that she has been allowed in only because of her anti-Israeli beliefs which is why we repeatedly welcome her with open arms.”
“Can you imagine which section of the visa application form she would have written that into? How can people really believe that the Saudi Embassy would be inquiring into her political persuasion? It just doesn’t make any sense,” she commented.
“Absolutely,” I agreed. “I mean it’s challenging enough for them to process the normal items on the applications! Getting a visa from anywhere to here is rocket science. They have enough of a challenge on their hands figuring out far more mundane questions like interpreting gender options and deciphering port of disembarkation with the aid of a map without them sussing out your political sensibilities. Sometimes I think that people think we are far more sophisticated than we actually are. They have this illusion that we have a real state-controlled system and that things are run in the manner of the KGB, which is nonsense.”
“Yes my dear,” mused my friend, “it’s got a lot to do with PR.”
“Oh brother,” I replied exasperated. “Don’t get me started. We have no concept of how to not only present our best side but just how to be normal when it comes to such matters. You have lived here long enough to know that the vast majority of people like it and are happy. It’s not the kind of droll and controlled Orwellian place that it’s made out to be.”
Case in point. I was invited on TV to appear as a guest on a National Day program.
Oh Lord! It was as if Stalin himself had written the script for that one.
The whole set was devised in such astonishingly poor taste it was beyond belief. There were Saudi flags draped across every inch of the studio and all these guests who appeared as if there were guns pointing to their heads just off camera talking in the most stultified manner about how wonderful the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia was and how brilliant it was and how it was this shining beacon of hope and, boy, was there a lot of construction and it was the best, no sorry, the most fabulous construction in the universe and on and on ad nauseam!
I came on and when the hostess asked me about my opinion I said, “Do you want me to give you my honest opinion?” and she sort of twitched a bit and her plastic grin showed signs of melting. As soon as I opened my mouth she tried coercing me into what to say and when that didn’t work the producer immediately thought it infinitely more sensible to transfer to a live satellite link in London (thereby proving to the viewers how technologically savvy they are, 20 year old repeats of Lassie being the most exciting feature in the program list notwithstanding) where there was a guy talking yet again about what nice buildings we have!
I lasted all of four minutes although I had been billed to stay for 45! Anyone watching that would have believed that we are not allowed to say anything other than praise the country parrot-fashion like a bunch of lobotomized zombies.
“And yet look at us now,” I said about the eclectic range of subjects animatedly being discussed by the others, “we can pretty much talk about anything and have healthy debates without being shot by the secret service.”
“Trust me,” she said conspiratorially, “if I didn’t think that it was worth living here I would just pack my bags and leave.”
“So would I,” I concurred. “A while ago there was talk about national TV being broadcast internationally to give people a feel for what life in Saudi is all about. I think that that would do more damage to our image than Al-Qaeda!”
Just then our host’s chimpanzee was brought out and my friend casually remarked about how she wondered how the order for the wolf was going. The primate evidently recognizing some distinct similarity between us (or on the payroll of the aforementioned secret service) lunged for me and bit me. For those of you who still doubt the authenticity of my writing I have several witnesses and bite marks to prove it. I assure you I am not making a monkey out of you!
