The problem with quotes is that they arouse the suspicion that the citer at least partially agrees with the quote and is shielding behind someone else's words
Ramadan Mubarak dear readers. As the month of fasting begins I find myself thinking about the ineffectiveness of apologies. Partly this is due to the pope's remarks in Regensburg and his subsequent apologies, but it is also a more personal quest: How often do we genuinely make amends when we offend each other?
My first instinct is that it is too easy to say I'm sorry. How often do we hear these words and yet they ring so shallow. Just words to placate and soothe, like an anti-itch cream when you've been stung by a mosquito: It lessens the immediate pain, but the mark remains; it does not alter the fact that you've been bitten.
The apologies that rile me the most - and they are the most common - are the ones in which the words "I'm sorry" are followed by the word "if", usually "if I've offended you." In effect the person is not sorry for what they said; they simply regret the effect of their words or actions. What is more, there is an implication that the person who was offended was oversensitive, possibly even unreasonable. Clearly the person who committed the offense does not understand the hurt that was caused but they feel bad to have hurt someone's feelings. It's a peace offering of sorts, but one that only papers over the cracks.
In that vein are the apologies that claim a misunderstanding, essentially a take on the good old "I didn't mean it" excuse. Once again, there is no acceptance that wrong was done; just an attempt to make peace. We all err. We all sometimes say things, which we didn't quite think through. But even in those situations, we should reflect on why those words came to us or why we chose those words and not others. Perhaps there is no such thing as words we don't mean, simply levels of meaning.
And in fact the pope's first apology fails miserably for these very reasons. Yes he is sorry, but he is sorry for the offense caused, not for the offense itself: "I am deeply sorry for the reactions in some countries to a few passages of my address at the University of Regensburg, which were considered offensive to the sensibility of Muslims." Note how he does not admit that the passages were offensive, only that they were considered offensive by some Muslims. He continues by pointing out that the words were not even his: "These in fact were a quotation from a medieval text, which do not in any way express my personal thought." Fair point - and I sincerely hope that his personal views are far removed from those he quotes - but it does not accept responsibility for the fact that he chose to quote something immensely offensive and insulting to Muslims.
The problem with quotes is that they arouse the suspicion that the citer at least partially agrees with the quote and is shielding behind someone else's words. Children know this trick well. They will often say, "my friend so and so says" as a way of saying what they really think without getting into trouble for it. I'm not saying quoting implies agreement, only that it can suggest implicit agreement if it is not followed by a clear statement either of the writer's views on the matter or, in the case of an inflammatory statement such as the one in the pope's speech, an acknowledgment of the outrageousness of the quote. If I were to quote Jean-Marie Le Pen, you would be sure to know I think his views reprehensible. In the case of the pope, the speech did not - to my mind at least - make this sufficiently clear.
A real apology needs to acknowledge the harm that was done and take responsibility for it. It should express more than regret, it should make good on the hurt that was caused. More than anything, it must convince that it is sincere and that it is matched with an element of reflection: I did wrong, I understand it and now I will alter my behavior or opinion accordingly. It must have movement, taking the offender away from the state of offense to one of learning.
Most apologies we hear are facile. We say sorry too easily without genuinely reflecting on why we are sorry. More than anything we say it as a throwaway word, a key to get out of tricky situations that is not backed by changes in behavior. We say we are sorry for being late, yet we continue to be late. We apologize for not calling the ones we love often enough yet do not call them any more frequently afterward. We apologize for expressing opinions, which hurt others without altering our opinions or engaging the other in thoughtful dialogue.
But it is not all doom and gloom. Sometimes people apologize for things they have not even done! My favorite is a website that sprung up after George Bush's re-election: www.sorryeverybody.com features photographs of Americans saying sorry to the rest of the world for re-electing Bush. It's humorous of course but it shows a genuine contriteness for the effect of American policies on the planet in which we live. Sometimes saying sorry can put a smile on the weariest of faces!
