JEDDAH: Dania chose to break her silence about 18 years of sexual abuse because she fears for the safety of her cousins. In 1992, Dania was only six years old when one night she woke up to find her uncle's head under her bed sheets.
"I was young and couldn't understand what was happening," said the 24-year-old as she shared her story with Arab News. "But I knew it was wrong and I was very scared."
The incident was the first and many followed it until it became a daily routine.
But how did the father's older brother have access to Dania every day?
In 1985, Dania's father got married to her mother, a Muslim-American. He brought her to live with his mother in Riyadh as the family's tradition dictated. Dania's nightmare began six years after her birth.
"He tried everything short of intercourse. I was shown his private parts, made to watch pornographic movies and he would perform sexual acts on pictures," said Dania. "All of this within the earshot of other family members."
When Dania turned 18, she turned to her aunts for help. She said she was too afraid to talk to her parents.
To her unpleasant surprise, her aunts blamed her for her uncle's behavior and threatened to tell her father if she was to mention it again.
"I was to endure this torment and pain. After all, I deserved it in their eyes for being such a provocative 11 year old," said Dania. "'That's what happens when you wear jeans,' I was told."
In 1999, Dania's father had to travel to the US to work and took his family with him.
"Finally the torment stopped," said Dania. "I could finally sleep."
In 2003, they moved back to Riyadh and it was a struggle for Dania to remember the memories she tried to forget.
The sexual abuse she endured as a young child came back in the form of attempted rape, this time involving two of her father's brothers.
"What was one uncle's conduct became two uncles' fixation," she said. "They tried to rape me."
Dania's father was confronted with the ugly truth when he witnessed his brothers attempting to rape his daughter. He confronted them and their mother, but the mother kicked Dania's family out of the house in support of her abusive sons.
Years later, Dania discovered that she was not the first victim in the family.
"I'm sharing this story not because I want to be looked at as a victim," she said. "I learned that the same is happening to my cousins even today and their mothers are not protecting them. I feel responsible for putting an end to this."
As it is anywhere in the world, a sexual abuser is most likely to be somebody with close and trusted access to children. But in Saudi Arabia the deep regard for family privacy and the high value placed on a good public reputation can come at a great cost to the public's interest in fighting domestic abuse.
Samira Al-Ghamdi, psychologist and head of the Media Committee at Himaya, a charitable institution that protects women and children from abuse, described this crime as "hidden abuse" because it cannot be seen or talked about due to these high social values placed on privacy and reputation.
"Unfortunately, the most dangerous places for a child to get sexually abused could be the safest places: home, school or mosque," she said.
When asked why children refrain from talking to their parents or ask for help, Al-Ghamdi said because they lack the awareness. "When a father, uncle or brother is the abuser, the child becomes confused and scared because of the close relationship between the victim and the abuser," said Al-Ghamdi. "We usually warn our kids not to talk or deal with strangers - but their fathers and uncles aren't strangers."
In some of the sexual abuse cases Al-Ghamdi has dealt with, the kinship to the sexual predators made the victims feel guilty, especially if the abusers threaten to harm other family members if the victims report what has been done.
"A nine-year-old girl, whose parents were divorced, was abused by her cousin," said Al-Ghamdi. "I spoke to the father and he said he's not jeopardizing his relationship with his sister for what her son did. He said sooner or later his daughter would grow up and forget."
Al-Ghamdi stressed that the best way to arm children against sexual predators is to educate them and to be aware of where they are and who has access to them at all times. She also warned families against blaming children or ignoring the abuse for the sake of saving family ties and reputations.
"You're only destroying the family (if you cover up or ignore the crime)," she said. "It's an endless vicious cycle that starts with one person and wrecks others."
Ghassan Al-Gain, an Islamic scholar and researcher, said Islam governs all relationships inside the Muslim family. There is a divine etiquette in the Qur'an for family members to follow.
"Mothers must never leave their children unaccompanied even with the closest of family, especially at a critical stage like adolescence," said Al-Gain. "If the male relative (uncle, brother or grandfather) is not trustworthy, the young girl must not meet him at all."
He said families must understand the importance of educating their children on matters of sex. Parents must know what to share with their children about sex at different stages of their lives.
"And when children share something someone had done to them, don't condemn them. Don't punish them. Be loving, supportive and compassionate," Al-Gain said in a message sent to a group of parents on the subject. "And the best thing to do when a family member abuses your child is to confront him. Most problems escalate due to the lack of communication in our culture."
For Dania, the communication came too late to keep the problem from escalating; she says that to this day she has problems trusting people. Her advice is simple: "If you know kids who are being molested please help them. If you were a victim of molestation then you should help others who were."
