When I left she was still shouting, oblivious to the scene she was making. It came to my mind that I wondered why her mother hadn’t taught her not to be so rude. Then I realized that when the woman was a child, mobile phones didn’t exist yet. Her mother hadn’t had a chance to provide such etiquette lessons. The proliferation of digital devices presents a serious quandary for many parents, who are raising their children in a digital world where the rules of polite society are evolving all the time.
Marla Rosner the author of “Digital Manners & House Rules for Kids: A Handbook for Parents,” explained that it’s very difficult for parents to determine what’s socially acceptable, or not, because they didn’t grow up with the technologies that are available today. “It’s easier as a parent to repeat the values and structures that we remember growing up,” said Rosner. “But I think that as a generation of parents, we’re all inventing this.”
Parents may even be setting a bad example for their children because they too often model unacceptable behavior themselves. Rosner mentioned the unfortunate habit some parents have of answering telephone calls during mealtimes. She remarked that family mealtimes should be carved out as occasions when there’s no technology — just face to face interaction. In the past, when families sat down to eat lunch or dinner, it was an opportunity for sharing and discussing the events of the day. A lot of etiquette is taught during mealtimes at home — whether it’s how to use utensils properly or to avoid interrupting when someone is speaking. Mealtimes are an opportunity for children to learn proper behavior.
“Mealtimes are a training ground for social interaction and good manners, which should extend away from the house and away from the dinner table,” said Rosner. When parents take phone calls during a meal they’re really saying to their children that those phone calls are more important than the time spent together as a family. It gives a signal to the child that he or she is not as important as the caller. It is extremely rude behavior which the child learns to emulate. Rosner advised parents that raising polite children in modern society requires some thought and proactive action in establishing ground rules for children, as well as some self reflection about role modeling the behavior that in the digital age parents want their kids to demonstrate.
The outlets for socially unacceptable behavior have grown massively now that children are online and have cell phones from a young age. Many parents aren’t aware of all the ways their children are interacting with the outside world. Does your child have a Facebook or Twitter account? Who do they text? What’s their e-mail address? How does your child connect to the Internet? Many parents are clueless about technologies and their potential for abuse until it’s too late. That’s a mistake. Kids can become very rude when using digital media because too often they aren’t observed by a responsible adult. A behavior that would quickly be reprimanded in the real world, will go unchecked in cyberspace.
Rosner counseled that parents need to know the scope of their children’s participation in the digital world and they need to develop proficiencies in whatever those activities are, so they can provide monitoring and support. She cautioned parents about purchasing smartphones for children which offer easy, unsupervised access to mobile Internet connectivity. The road to cyber bullying can start out with a Facebook post that the sending child means as a tease, but the receiving child perceives as an offense.
Children need to be taught that the most meaningful conversations take place face-to-face. In a time when marital relationships are ended through text messages and companies fire employees by e-mail, this can be difficult. However, Rosner believes that the seriousness of any communication is best conveyed through non-verbal cues and that compassion, support and other human emotions are take in by others most effectively when the interaction is in person.
Children who learn to handle digital communications in a responsible, polite manner will grow into adults who have a competitive advantage in the workplace. Rosner commented that employers are already finding that they must struggle with fresh graduates who enter the workplace unable to communicate appropriately. Managers have to aggressively monitor the writing style of new hires, as many seem to be unaware that the language used in texting, instant messaging and e-mailing their friends is unacceptable at the office. In fact, to the dismay of employers, many college graduates have to be given training in formal communications once they are on the job.
And if you’re an adult who thinks that always on communication is always appropriate, think again. There are definitely incentives for parents to limit the use of digital devices. Some families insist that all children’s laptops and cell phones must charge in the kitchen overnight. Rosner commends such a policy noting that there seems to be a tendency for “dicey” communications to take place in the late night and early morning hours. Kids should be asleep at night — not awake texting or updating their Facebook status. It’s up to parents to set limits on digital interaction.
“It’s important for parents to say, ‘No,’ if for no other reason than to build their children’s capacity to accept limitations. Children must learn that they cannot always have what they want,” said Rosner. “If children never have to suffer through not getting something, or many things that they want, these kids grow up unable to tolerate not getting their way in life.”
Such overindulged children turn into very unpleasant, antisocial adults. All of us know too many of them already!
Parents are welcome to receive further free constructive information and tips about what kids are doing on the Internet and with mobile devices, plus receive the “Digital Rules & Manners Parents’ Worksheet,” by providing name and e-mail address at http://beyondnetiquette.com/free/
