“Give me your honest opinion of me,” my friend asked sincerely.
I generally detest questions like this one because the inquirer normally wants anything but an “honest opinion”.
I have rarely come across an individual who truly wants to be regaled with a candid appraisal of his/her weight, dress sense, height, talent, singing potential, style, manners etc. The distant quizzical look in my eyes reflected my subconscious plea for temporary respite.
“I mean, do you think I look respectable?” he requested more specifically.
I was quite reassured by this pointer as I am much more adept at playing games with clues like “I Spy”.
“Oh yes! Yessss! Very respectable,” I gushed effusively, entirely relieved by the precise nature of his doubt. At least I didn’t perform an outright lie in the name of friendship because he is, after all, someone who embodies the essence of respectability.
“You even have gray hair and glasses,” I volunteered eagerly, “and you’re a middle-aged professor. Who could be more distinguished than you?”
Pleased with my assessment he finally got to the core of what was bothering him.
“Can you believe,” he began, “that I went to a shopping mall the other day to buy a present for my mother. I spent about 15 minutes trying to find a parking space, almost had a fist-fight with some hot-blooded drivers over it and then when I got to the entrance the security guy wouldn’t let me in!”
“Oh. Probably because you were alone,” I ventured absent-mindedly. “If you had been with your family it would have been different.”
“But why do I need to be with my family in order to gain admission to a mall?”
Temporarily delighted by the mental image that saw men in this country subjugated in some manner, the transitory pleasure soon passed and I empathized with his palpable sense of aggravation. After all, two wrongs, we are taught, never equate to a right. I had on no account actually given this unwritten rule much thought prior to this. According to Darwin’s Theory of Evolution, living in the Kingdom for a while should entail a diminishing of one’s ability to reason in order to cope with things that don’t appeal to one’s innate sense of logic.
“Do you know what I promised myself? I vowed never to buy another stupid thing in this place and suffer such humiliation. Instead of being treated like a customer, I was dealt with like a felon or a potential voyeur. From that day on I decided that I would rather drive across the Causeway or take a flight to Dubai than experience the frustration of shopping in this place.”
I personally have been witness to innumerable incidents outside such shopping precincts where throngs of men have been denied entry on the basis that they are not in the company of women. At times, I have been driven to wonder whether it would be more sensible for vendors to conduct their business at the entrances as there are more people on the outside of such institutions than there are on the inside. Naturally there are those men who pursue this avenue of recreation for dubious reasons, but surely they must be outweighed by decent single men, like my friend, who have genuine purchasing requirements.
One of my friends was outside a shopping mall once with her sisters and aunts when they watched a wretched victim of such gender discrimination being denied access to the shops.
“Please!” he implored waving his receipt and the bag he clutched in desperation. “I am a visitor here from the Eastern Province and I only have to exchange this garment before I leave because it’s the wrong size. We don’t have this shop where I live.”
“I told you that you can’t go in. Come back with your mother or sister and then we’ll let you through,” decreed the guard.
“But they’re in Dammam. All I want to do is change this. I don’t even have time to stay. You can come with me if you like.”
The guard shook his head in finality and what followed was reminiscent of a scene from a Carry-On episode.
My friend’s aunt was so moved by the young lad’s pleading that she decided to temporarily “adopt” him and entered with him through an adjacent gate. Somehow or the other the guard was apprised of what had happened and there ensued a chase through the mall. The culprits were finally caught, the young man ejected and my friend’s aunt severely reprimanded for being in cahoots with someone who was not her male guardian.
Wherever you go in the city it’s the same. Single men are treated like lone wolves, stalking their prey. Regardless of where they are spotted, it is invariably with a degree of skepticism and distrust. As a society we just don’t like the sight of these predators hanging around, and often treat them in a degrading and undignified manner. There are all sorts of assumptions applied to them collectively as if they are a bunch of potential terrorists/anarchists/hooligans whose only entertainment in life is to impinge on our enjoyment and well-being.
But what other distraction do they have?
Shopping malls, theme parks and other potential sources of amusement and relaxation are forbidden to them. Most of them are reduced to congregating in coffee shops or the gym, because let’s face it, there isn’t really any other alternative.
One of the biggest ironies of the situation is that we employ millions of men here on single-status visas, dislocating them from their families and then provide no healthy outlet for them to unwind in after-working hours. I suppose the general expectation is that they just work, eat and sleep for two years, go back home, freak out there and then come back refreshed and de-stressed to repeat the cycle.
There are some serious issues that need to be addressed. First and foremost is that our negative attitude toward single men can become a self-fulfilling prophecy. If we treat single men with suspicion and scorn, they are more likely to behave in a manner that imitates the very qualities we ascribe to them. Respect after all breeds respect and likewise, contempt breeds contempt.
In addition, we have to find a way to make these individuals feel included and welcomed rather than alienated and disenfranchised. Our assumptions that they must be up to no good must be supplanted by a more positive and fruitful image of them. A more active role in the community could provide a more constructive channel for their unfocused energy.
We must also work much harder in order to provide more clubs and centers geared toward this fast-growing sector of society where our youth can hang out away from the weighty scrutiny of public disapproval and rejection.
I hope against hope that there will be a timely change in our perspective and that the sort of mindset that nurtures such outdated norms will be replaced by one that is more realistic and tolerant. Perhaps an extension of this viewpoint would be for society to realize that the frustrations and absurd restrictions experienced by these men are an iota of what women are forced to endure in every setting other than shopping centers. Such a long overdue and potent realization would be a giant leap for mankind.
(Lubna Hussain is a Saudi writer. She is based in Riyadh.)